In the book of Genesis (30:43 – 31:1), it was recorded that Jacob grew exceedingly prosperous… But Jacob noticed that Laban’s attitude towards him was not what it had been. Jacob even heard Laban’s sons saying,
photo: Delgrosso Park, PA (2007)
“Jacob has taken everything our father owned and has gained all this wealth from what belonged to our father.” .
What happened was that Jacob's wealth made Laban's sons jealous. In some ways, we are no different from Laban's sons. When others are doing better than we are, why is it difficult for us to be happy?Our pride is hurt when someone else succeeds where we have failed. We are warned that to compare our success with that of others is a dangerous way to judge our lives. This is because when we compare ourselves to others, we may be giving jealousy a foothold. Some say we can avoid jealousy by rejoicing in others' successes, but this is easier said than done, particularly if your perspective is clouded by a "scarcity mentality" (c.f. posting on Oct 1, 2008)!
This brings me to the Win-Lose paradigm, which says ‘If I win, you lose.” In leadership style, Win-Lose is the authoritarian approach: “I get my way; you don’t get yours.” Win-Lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way.
photo: "enter if you dare", State College Downtown (2008)
Stephen Covey, author of the best selling "7 Habits of Highly Effective People", wrote that: most people have been deeply scripted in the Win-Lose mentality since birth. .
First and most important of the powerful forces at work is the family. When one child is compared with another – when patience, understanding or love is given or withdrawn on the basis of such comparisons – people are into Win-Lose thinking. Whenever love is given on a conditional basis, when someone has to earn love, what’s being communicated to them is that they are not intrinsically valuable or lovable. Value does not lie inside them, it lies outside.
First and most important of the powerful forces at work is the family. When one child is compared with another – when patience, understanding or love is given or withdrawn on the basis of such comparisons – people are into Win-Lose thinking. Whenever love is given on a conditional basis, when someone has to earn love, what’s being communicated to them is that they are not intrinsically valuable or lovable. Value does not lie inside them, it lies outside.
photo: china
(morning walk)
(morning walk)It’s in comparison with somebody else or against some expectation. The vulnerable child, highly dependent upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents, is molded, shaped and programmed in the Win-Lose mentality. “If I am better than my brother, my parents will love me more.”
The academic world reinforces Win-Lose scripting. The “normal distribution curve” basically says that you got an “A” because someone else got a “C”. It interprets an individual’s value by comparing him or her to everyone else…. People are not graded against their potential or against the full use of their present capacity. They are graded in relation to other people.
And grades are carriers of social value; they open doors of opportunity or they close them. Competition, not cooperation, lies at the core of the educational process. Cooperation, in fact, is usually associated with cheating.
Another powerful programming agent is athletics… Often, they develop the basic paradigm that life is a big game, a zero sum game where some win and some lose. “Winning” is “beating” in the athletic arena.
photo: State College (2007)
Another agent is law. We live in a litigious society. The first thing many people think about when they get into trouble is suing someone, taking them to court, “winning” at someone else’s expense. But defensive minds are neither creative nor cooperative… Law is based on an adversarial concept.
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The academic world reinforces Win-Lose scripting. The “normal distribution curve” basically says that you got an “A” because someone else got a “C”. It interprets an individual’s value by comparing him or her to everyone else…. People are not graded against their potential or against the full use of their present capacity. They are graded in relation to other people.
And grades are carriers of social value; they open doors of opportunity or they close them. Competition, not cooperation, lies at the core of the educational process. Cooperation, in fact, is usually associated with cheating.Another powerful programming agent is athletics… Often, they develop the basic paradigm that life is a big game, a zero sum game where some win and some lose. “Winning” is “beating” in the athletic arena.
photo: State College (2007)
Another agent is law. We live in a litigious society. The first thing many people think about when they get into trouble is suing someone, taking them to court, “winning” at someone else’s expense. But defensive minds are neither creative nor cooperative… Law is based on an adversarial concept. .
BUT most of life is not a competition. We don’t have to live each day competing with our spouse, our children, our coworkers, our neighbors, and our friends.
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Reflection: “Who’s winning in your marriage?” is a ridiculous question. If both people aren’t winning, both are losing.
Reflection: “Who’s winning in your marriage?” is a ridiculous question. If both people aren’t winning, both are losing.
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source: LAB and Stephen Covey, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People".
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