Productive Confrontation

Last Friday, our CG study the following passage in the bible: Numbers 27:1-11. It tells the story of five sisters who sought to secure an inheritance because their deceased father had no sons. They went to the entrance of the Tabernacle to give a petition to Moses, Eleazar the priest, the tribal leaders, and others who were there....

"Why should the name of our father dissappear? We feel that we should be given property along with our father's brothers."

Whilst many lessons could be gleaned from this biblical story, my reflection centred on the productive way in which the five sisters confronted Moses. It could have been so different...

Confrontation does not have to be adversarial. It merely means that we are going to “face this issue together instead of putting our heads in the sand and ignoring it.” …. Poor confronters turn things adversarial too easily and quickly. It is experienced as “me versus you”, or “us versus them”, as opposed to “you and I versus the problem”. In the later scenario, we are a team against what is wrong, and coming together to fix it. That keeps the problem, the person, the relationship, and the result all in mind in an integrated fashion (pp. 193-4)

Henry Cloud in his book Integrity, wrote that "one of the most important aspects of character of life, without question, is one’s ability to confront. It is true that you get what you tolerate. If the nature of reality is that there are always problems, if you do not confront them and instead tolerate them, then problems are what you will have (p. 191).
photo: vancouver (2006)
On the other hand, “a lot of people confront easily, even too easily, and yet do it in a manner that is more destructive than helpful. The combative or angry or critical, demeaning confronter does not solve problems. He or she usually drives problems more deeply into hiding by creating an atmosphere of fear rather than resolution (p. 191).

This is one of the areas where character integration is so important. If you fail to confront, you lose. But if you confront poorly, you will also lose. So, you must confront, but confront well. That means that the truth-telling side of your character must be integrated with the loving and caring side of your character. When you show up to deal with a problem, you must bring both of them together. Confront the problem, but in a way that preserves the relationship and the person. If you err on either side, the wake will be affected.

In theology, we hear of grace and truth, which means to be “for the person” and have standards. .. The important thing is to say what needs to be said, and to say it in a way that shows that you care about the person…. “I try to go hard on the issue and soft on the person.” That means that both his truth telling and his care for the connection came together at once. … Honesty without love is not integrity.

¨ But this requires a character that has neutralized the truth… If he or she is still running with a lot of anger inside that has never been integrated and metabolized, then confrontation is going to be toxic, “beating people up”. Love and healing must first have taken place inside people’s souls, or they might be in danger of treating others not in the way they themselves want to be treated, but in the way they have been treated. They repeat the abuse that they have been subjected to in their own experience (p. 192).

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Another aspect of confronting well is that integrated people care about the results of the confrontation, not just making themselves feel good. So, they ask themselves before the confrontation, “what do I want to have happen as a result of this confrontation?”

• If they are impulsive and don’t do that, then they might just care about releasing anger, or forcing someone to do things differently, or getting revenge and making someone feel bad and themselves feel better.

But if they are mindfully integrated, then what they do is desire an integrated outcome. They think, “I want to solve the problem, make the relationship stronger, help the person develop, and empower their development.” So, they confront in a way that is going to bring about that wake. (p.193).

Do You Lose Well?

"The difference between winners and losers is not that winners never lose. The difference is that winners lose well, and losers lose poorly. As a result, winners lose less in the future and do not lose the same way that they lost last time, because they have learned from the loss and do not repeat the pattern. " - Henry Cloud

photo: First snow at State College, USA (2007)

In his book, Integrity, Henry Cloud wrote that we need to learn how to lose well. Why?

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First, we will. We all lose. Things will not turn out well and will sometime be unable to be fixed, even through more perseverance, creativity, and resourcefulness… So, losing is a reality that everyone encounters, and therefore we need to negotiate it…

Second, and most important, the difference between winners and losers is not that winners never lose. The difference is that winners lose well, and losers lose poorly. As a result, winners lose less in the future and do not lose the same way that they lost last time, because they have learned from the loss and do not repeat the pattern. But losers do not learn from what they did and tend to carry that loss or pattern forward into the next venture, or relationship, and repeat the same way of losing. Therefore, they do not become people who lose, as everyone does, but they become people who never win because they do the same things over and over that led to their last loss (p. 160).

The first aspect of losing well has to do with the ability to “let go” and just face the reality that you have lost. As Ecclesiastes 3:16 says, “there is a time to search and a time to give up.” The truth is that sometime it is over, and more effort, attention or work is wasteful. But some people, because of character issues, just can’t let go. They can’t face the loss and reorganize in a new direction. It is the dead of winter and they are still looking for fruit on the tree. Better to use your energy to get ready for springtime so you can sow seeds that have a chance of growing (p. 160-1)

The next aspect of losing well is to “look back” after you let go. After the hope of something is relinquished and the defeat is embraced, the reasons for the loss are examined, understood and learned from. If the person does that before moving on to another venture of the same kind, then the loss will not have to be repeated (p. 162).
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To sit with failure and loss, and understand it, process it, and grieve it before going on, takes depth of character.

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source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Ready, Aim & Fire

If you have not read the book, Integrity, by Henry Cloud, I encourage you to buy it as an investment in yourself, in your growth and success. The new academic year has started and I have a heavy teaching load this semester. Thus, my reading pace will slow down considerably over the next few months. I am still at Chapter Nine, in which Cloud introduced the concept of Ready, Aim & Fire.

photos: Boalsburg, USA (2007)

Being ready means that someone is prepared and able. You can have a great opportunity coming along, and if you jumped in unprepared, or unable to complete it for whatever reason, you will fail. … Another aspect of being ready has to do with “sharpening the saw”, training, doing, self-maintenance, etc. Getting oneself “ready” may mean training, learning, changing, revamping, restructuring, or a host of other things. But the winners are ready before the game. Long-term high achievers are ... prepared (p. 150).

Aim has to do with focus. It has to do with purposeful, goal-oriented action that knows where the energy and resources are being spent and therefore spent well. A lot of people spend a lot of energy working, but their character is so scattered that they never focus on particular goals and outcomes and keep on tract to get there.

A linear path requires the character to say no to impulses and wishes to do other things, to say no to new opportunities that may be good but are not best. Some people’s makeup is such that they still think they can have everything, and as a result, they achieve nothing. They are all over the place. If you were to focus, or aim, and direct all of that energy and talent toward specific, particular goals, they would succeed (p. 150-1).

• He get sidetracked because he refuses to acknowledge that if you want to do A, you cannot do B. In the end, neither one gets the attention they need (p.151).


• Reality is that time, energy, and resources are finite. Focus is about directing those in a way in which enough of each is given so that things happen (p. 152)
  

Fire means that the person is actually able to pull the trigger. She can, after getting ready and getting focused, go for it. She is not risk-aversive, if the risk makes sense. A lot of preparation has gone into the plunge so that risk is minimized. That is the difference between investment and gambling. You cannot really prepare for rolling the dice. It is going to come out the way it is going to come out, and other than researching the odds, that is really all you can do. But an investment risk is jumping into the water after you have found out that it is not poison, toxic, or polluted (p. 152).

To finally be able to jump is important. Some people, even after intelligent evaluation of risks, do not like to sow. They are afraid to put the seed on the ground and trust the process. They can’t see the seed, and what if it doesn’t rain this year? It is just too scary for their character - Henry Cloud (p. 152).

Focus on Your Talent

People do well when they do what they do well and stay away from what they do poorly. Is that not common sense?

- Henry Cloud (p. 144).

photo: Tamarind (Asam Jawa) tree @ Botanical Garden, S'pore

The above statement by Henry Cloud in his book, Integrity, reminds me of an incident during my sabbatical in the US. I was speaking to a very successful researcher in the field of real estate & urban economics and shared with him that one of my goals during my sabbatical was to work on an area of weakness. His advice to me, "to excel in my research, I should concentrate on my strength (not on my weakness) and work with someone who can complement my skill set."

photo: tamarind fruit
According to Henry Cloud, some people are incredible number twos, and lousy number ones. They could be a star in one role, and a washout in the other. Their character will dictate where they end up... He added that humility is not self-deprecating, but real and honest. When someone is who he or she really is and does not act as if he or she is more than he is, that is not arrogance, but secure identity. Out of that security, competent action flows and results happen (p. 146).

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Because these kinds of people are humble enough to know what they are not good at, they do not think they are something they are not and try to operate in those areas. Therefore, they perform poorly less often.

photo: tamarind flower

Entrepreneurs who are successful often learn early on that they are poor managers. So, they begin things and then turn them to people better at operations than themselves and avoid losing the value that they have created. And managers who do not fool themselves into thinking that they are creative visionaries do not step out into nothingness and lose everything.

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Successful people stick to what they are good at and find ways to make that larger. Usually, that involves surrounding themselves with people who are good at the areas they do not possess…,

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"not only do they get the right people on the bus, but they have them sitting in the right seats on the bus." (p. 146-7)

The Missing Ingredient

photo: Chempedak Fruit Tree @ Botanical Garden, Singapore (2009)

A lot of people know the “what” of the work. They know the facts, the processes, what to do, and even how to do the work itself. They know as much, or more, about it than others. But, they do not produce impressive results. They are not the huge performers. You may even have wondered that about yourself, as well. You know what to do, and you work hard at it, but others for some strange reasons seem to do more or better than you. Sometime you do not understand why... Henry Cloud, Integrity (p. 141-2)

What is the missing ingredient? What could you be doing differently to make it work? Why do the ones who do better do better? Certainly there are various factors to bring good results, some outside our control. Markets change, economies fluctuate, and other things happen. Sometime it just seems indecipherable why success comes to one person, project, product, or enterprise and not another. (p. 142)

But over the long haul, luck and flukes aside, there is a method to the madness. There are “ways” that high producers, those who get results, operate. There are patterns to the ways that they behave, think, and relate that they tend to have in common. And just like everything else we have seen so far, these have more to do with the ways they are “glued together” as people than “what they know.”

It has to do with the character that meets the demands of reality. People who are constructed in certain way tend to get more results and work in different ways from those who just “work hard”... In over 20 years of consulting with leaders and organizations, I have observed that most people know what to do in their field. But, the ones who do well, do the what in a different way from those who don’t, and it has to do with who they are as people than what they know.

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All things being equal, character wins! (p. 142).

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Truth Seekers

Henry Cloud, in his book Integrity, wrote "every human has faults, weaknesses, delusions, distortions, emotions that are not totally mature, lapses in judgment, and many other things that can cause problems. As we grow, those decrease as we mature, but we will always have some. That is inescapable". (p. 123). He also highlighted one key difference between high achievers and those who are not. In his words,

"high achievers face reality and deal with it. Those who don’t, avoid reality in some way or have aspects to their character that keeps them out of touch with it. Many times, this is more for comfort sake. It is difficult to see what really is, and to live with it. We feel better when we can make it not so, in some form or fashion. We attribute the truth of our performance to some outside influence, as to say, “It wasn’t me”. (p. 107).

photos: Litchfield, USA (Sep 07)

Reality seekers have the humility to go in and not assume that they had it all figured out and instead to seek to find out what reality was. People who have an orientation to the truth seek it out. They look for it and do everything they can to find it so that they know where they stand, what steps to take, etc. They basically see reality as their best ally, so finding it becomes of utmost importance (p. 113).

The winners ask. They sometimes hire people to help them see it. They value feedback from others about themselves, knowing that they themselves have blind spots…. If we are afraid of truth about ourselves and have a character ‘stance’ to hide, then we are headed in the wrong direction, away from reality (pp. 118-9).

… I give you 100% permission to be totally honest with me in answering this question” “what is it like to be on the other end of me? … Even if it means facing up to some painful news, he or she sees the result as positive. Only through finding out this kind of reality do we know our true strengths and weaknesses. Top performers rely on that knowledge. They major in their strength and protect themselves from their weaknesses. But without knowing reality about ourselves, we often don’t even know what those are. And knowing one’s strengths and weaknesses can be the difference between success and failure (p. 117).

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The interesting thing about this kind of people is the hunger they have for finding out what is true. They are different from people who are honest but do not take steps to find out more of what reality is. A lot of people are not in denial when reality comes and knocks on their door. They are able to acknowledge it and not resist it. But, they are basically passive about it, not active. The kind of people I am taking about here go after reality as if their lives depend on it. They have to find it (p. 113).

They don’t only wait for others to give them feedback, they also go after it themselves. They desire it and see it as an opportunity to grow… The good ones want to know the reality of who they are and are in tune with the fact that we do not see ourselves accurately. They “seek” out this knowledge in a variety of ways: commissioning feedback projects, submitting themselves to a mentor, accountability group, etc. But when they do, they are not looking for flattery. They are looking for reality. They ask others to tell them what they see (p. 116).

“Give me your last 10%” – People tend to hold back on feedback that might be difficult for someone to hear and do not always express their full critique of someone’s performance… we need to develop a culture of characters who desire to hear the last 10% (p. 120). To do that requires character hunger for the truth.

It is a paradox of life that the less we look at our shortcomings, the more others do. The extent that we are in denial is usually the extent to which others are staring at us, saying “what is his problem?”

The less we look at ourselves, the more others have to.
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source: Henry Cloud, Integrity