Do You Lose Well?

"The difference between winners and losers is not that winners never lose. The difference is that winners lose well, and losers lose poorly. As a result, winners lose less in the future and do not lose the same way that they lost last time, because they have learned from the loss and do not repeat the pattern. " - Henry Cloud

photo: First snow at State College, USA (2007)

In his book, Integrity, Henry Cloud wrote that we need to learn how to lose well. Why?

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First, we will. We all lose. Things will not turn out well and will sometime be unable to be fixed, even through more perseverance, creativity, and resourcefulness… So, losing is a reality that everyone encounters, and therefore we need to negotiate it…

Second, and most important, the difference between winners and losers is not that winners never lose. The difference is that winners lose well, and losers lose poorly. As a result, winners lose less in the future and do not lose the same way that they lost last time, because they have learned from the loss and do not repeat the pattern. But losers do not learn from what they did and tend to carry that loss or pattern forward into the next venture, or relationship, and repeat the same way of losing. Therefore, they do not become people who lose, as everyone does, but they become people who never win because they do the same things over and over that led to their last loss (p. 160).

The first aspect of losing well has to do with the ability to “let go” and just face the reality that you have lost. As Ecclesiastes 3:16 says, “there is a time to search and a time to give up.” The truth is that sometime it is over, and more effort, attention or work is wasteful. But some people, because of character issues, just can’t let go. They can’t face the loss and reorganize in a new direction. It is the dead of winter and they are still looking for fruit on the tree. Better to use your energy to get ready for springtime so you can sow seeds that have a chance of growing (p. 160-1)

The next aspect of losing well is to “look back” after you let go. After the hope of something is relinquished and the defeat is embraced, the reasons for the loss are examined, understood and learned from. If the person does that before moving on to another venture of the same kind, then the loss will not have to be repeated (p. 162).
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To sit with failure and loss, and understand it, process it, and grieve it before going on, takes depth of character.

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source: Henry Cloud, Integrity