Bad Apologies!

I'd "rather die" than say sorry - Zinedine Zidane (Mar 2010)

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"Never apologise and never explain... it's a sign of weakness." - 1949 film, She Wore A Yellow Ribbon

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Footballers, whether they like it or not, are role models by virtue of their high profile. Over the past few weeks, two incidents involving famous footballers (both were captains of their respective national teams) have hogged the headlines.

The first incident involved France legend Zinedine Zidane, who headbutted Marco Materazzi during the 2006 World Cup final - an action which saw the France captain duly dismissed. That was to be the last game of his distinguished career. Italy went on to win the World Cup in a penalty shoot-out. In a recent interview (March 1, 2010), while Zidane admits he regrets what he did, he insists he will never apologise to Materazzi because of the insults against his mother that he claims provoked the headbutt.

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The second incident involved Manchester City's footballer Wayne Bridge's refusal to shake hand with John Terry (Chelsea's captain), who had had an affair with Bridge's ex-girlfriend. Both were once best friends and teammates at Chelsea FC and England. As a result of the scandal, John Terry was removed as the team captain of England. Wayne Bridge, on his part, made himself unavailable for the World Cup citing John Terry’s failure to apologise as the main reason. When John Terry showed no signs of remorse in the statement he issued the day he was stripped of the England captaincy — and in his conduct towards Bridge himself — the Manchester City full back realised living in such close quarters to his one-time friend and colleague for the duration of a tournament was going to be impossible.

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Hard to Say Sorry: Most people find it difficult to say sorry. As Gary Hayden wrote in his recent featured article in the Straits Times on Feb 25, 2010, "some people never accept blame and never apologise." In his article, Hayden highlighted some examples of bad apologies as well as how to say sorry.

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Bad apologies are annonying and more likely to incense someone than it will placate him. Three examples of bad apologies highlighted by Hayden are:

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(1) Insincere apologies - whenever a politician is caught with his hands in the till or a sportsman with his pants down, an apology will almost certainly ensue. However, we are left wondering whether the person concerned is sorry for what he did - or merely sorry he got caught. More often than not, we suspect the later.

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(2) Half-baked apologies - these are often phrased using the passive voice. So instead of admitting "I made a mistake", we say "Mistakes were made". Instead of saying "I am sorry I wrecked your car," we say "I am sorry your car was wrecked". At the heart of these ineffectual apologies is an unwillingness to be fully responsible for what has happened.

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(3) Back-handed apologies - worse, these are really non-apologies. Instead of saying "I am sorry I offended you, ", we say "I am sorry you took offense". The implication here is that you ought not really to have taken offence and Ihave not really done anything wrong but I had better apologise anyway or else I may never hear the last of it. Other examples of backhanded apologies, which subtly shift responsibility onto the victim, include "I am sorry if anyone misunderstood me" and "I am sorry you feel that way".

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An incomplete apology is often, quite rightly, seen as a second insult. In the next blog, I will continue with the tips offered by Hayden on "how to say sorry".

source: Gary Hayden, "Hard to Say Sorry", The Strait Times (Feb 25, 2010); http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1253880/John-Terry-didnt-say-sorry-The-reason-Wayne-Bridge-quit-England.html#ixzz0hM05le1v