25th Wedding Anniversary

As 2017 draws to a close, may I wish you a great year ahead.

“I am getting married!” was the subject heading of an email I received recently from a former student. She is not the only one who got married this year… I know of several other former students who also tied the nuptial knot this year.

 

2017 is also a special year for us. It is our 25th wedding anniversary. We are thankful for the many good memories; we have been to interesting places we never dreamed of… This year, we visited Florida (Jan), Hong Kong (Apr), Switzerland (Jun), Taiwan (Jul) and Sydney (Oct). That adds up to nearly 80,000 km!

Florida (Jan 2017)

Marriage is not the only milestones in one’s life. There are other significant milestones, such as:

• the first day in university;
• the last exam;
• getting the first job;
• receiving the first pay check;
• collecting the keys to the house;
• the first promotion;
• becoming a parent;
• retiring; and so on…

Taichung (Jul 2017)

Milestones are important because they are the fruits of our hard work; they encourage us; and they mark a new phase/season in our life. It is therefore important to celebrate milestones; lest our “life become one long ride without stops to enjoy the scenery”. So I am reminded that we should not be  hurried to reach our destination... don't settle on snapping photos to share on Facebook. Instead, remember to pause, ponder, enjoy the panoramic view, make friends, and smell the flowers along the way.

Sydney (Oct 2017)

Mankind has over the years erected monuments & memorials for many reasons. Personally, I collect small stones/pebbles and place them in visible places around my house/office. They serve as a constant reminder for me to:
(1) be thankful (look back) - count my blessings,
(2) be humble (look up) – if I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants, Isaac Newton; and

(3) be hopeful (look forward) – past victories paved the way for future success.

May your 2018 be filled with abundant grace, joy and peace.

 

Switzerland (June 2017)

Two Birds

Found this poem, entitled TWO BIRDS on the internet.

Two birds begin a journey long,

from different points in a far off land;

With a luring urge - in heart a song,

two novices heed life's command.

As they make their great migration,

Their feeble feet turn to taloned hands;

And the two reach their destination

As seasoned travelers in the southern lands

Still unaware that the other lives,

Each alights upon the very same tree;

And there the two, as if guided by God,

Fall madly in love and marry.

Thus so it is with you and me;

Two birds which Heaven's winds did blow

To this blessed rendezvous of life,

Like the two Swallows at Capistrano.

by Ara John Movsesian (1983)

Heavenly Love

I wish for you my friend
This happiness that I've found;
You can depend on God
It matters not where you're bound,
I'll shout it from the mountain top - PRAISE GOD!
I want the world to know
The Lord of love has come to me
I want to pass it on.

My reflection for this Christmas: Two weeks ago on 14 Dec, marks my 25^th year as a Christian. I made a personal decision in 1985 when I was still an undergraduate to invite Jesus into my heart… and that was when I really found the true meaning of Christmas…

Not too long ago, a student in her email to me quoted a verse from a favourite book of mine, Tuesdays with Morrie. The quote reads,
"Love wins, Love always wins". The Bible has a somewhat similar verse, which goes “Love never fails…” I pondered over this statement for some time… how does it gel with people who have fallen in and out of love? Many marriages, even those that started with deep love, have failed and ended up in separation and divorce.

Given the worrying statistics on failed marriages, I am truly thankful to God when my wife and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary earlier this year. I am convinced we were made for each other... in thewords of Regina Hill, "when God made her, I have no doubt He knew exactly the time and place where we would meet. When He made the two of us, God knew what was good for us." Over the years, we have shared many beautiful moments. We've walked many roads together... we have travelled many roads, mostly smooth... thank God; but there were times when the journey was a lit bumpy as well… Whilst I consciously try my best to be a good husband and friend to her, I’ve had on few occasions made her angry; made her sad; and made her cry… So, after all these years, I have came to the conclusion that … although love never fails, people do… even the best of people will not be able to live up to our expectations all the time.

If it is not found in marriages, then where can we find the kind of love that does not fail? In my life, I have only encountered one kind of love that never fails… I refer to it as the Heavenly Love…. Why? Because it begins in heaven… in the throne room of God… John 3:16 proclaims, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only begotten son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life...” If you think about it, Christmas is actually a heavenly love story that begins with God's love.. thru' the birth of Jesus, God offers us eternal life…. The best decision I have made is to accept the offer by inviting Jesus to be my personal Savior and Lord.

...Christmas Isn’t Christmas
'till it happens in your heart,Somewhere deep inside you
Is where Christmas really starts;

So give your heart to Jesus,
you'll discover when you do
That it’s Christmas
Really Christmas for you.

Romance & Courtship: A Bird's Tale

I received several wedding invitations over the past few months. In particular, October 10, 2010 was a very hot date: 10-10-10! My sincere congratulations to those who tie the knots recently or will be doing so over the next few months. As the saying goes,

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" - Eccl 4:9-10 (NIV)

I would like to use some recent photos I took on birds to depict the various stages of romance & courtship. Enjoy!

(1): The story begins with the lonely single, "where are you, my beloved?"

(2) "Here I am, the one that you have been waiting!"

(3) The fun days: courtship & romance; playing and dancing .

(4) The Day: "my beloved is mine and I am his; the banner over us is love!"

(5) The real work begins: "I am watching you... I have high expectations; don't you dissappoint me... & come home early"

(6) The friction starts: "...there, I told you so... why can't you just do what I say?... You never listen to me... You don't love me anymore..."

(7) The cold war: "I am not talking to you anymore..."

(8) Reconciliation: A Happy Family

When I Look at You...

I see a remarkable woman
with a kind and caring heart
who is beautiful in every sense of the word
I see a smile that lights up
the room and laughter
that is truly contagious.

photo: Black Swans (Botanical Garden, Sep 2010)

You are everything wonderful
in this world and if I had
just one wish it would be
that you could see what I see
when I look at you.

author: Elle Mastro

The Fullness of Life

I have recently acquired a new hobby. As a gift for myself on my birthday (May), I bought a digital SLR camera - Canon 550D at just below S$1,800. To learn how to use the camera, I have signed up for several photography courses. In Jun/July, I will be attending a nature photography course organized by the National Parks and the Nature Photographic Society of Singapore. It will be held over 6 half-Saturday (8 am -12 noon) which involves 2 hours of theory lesson in class and 2 hours practical at the Botanical Gardens.

In May, we celebrated our 18th anniversary! To celebrate, we took a “local” holiday. My wife didn’t want to travel as we are already going abroad in June (Europe) and July (HK). So, we decided to book a room at the Fullerton Hotel, which I found a bargain thru the internet. For $288 a night, inclusive of buffet breakfast, river cruise + F/B voucher of S$88 (which can be used for dinner). They allow late check-out till 3 pm. For an extra S$50, you get to upgrade to a room with the view of the Marina Bay. The upgrade was worth it as the room at the 7th floor comes with a balcony and overlooking the integrated resort and the Singapore flyer. It was also two rooms away from Room 777, which is the very room the late Goh Keng Swee and Hon Sui Sen occupied as Finance Minister during the early days of Singapore independeence.

Below is a photo I took using the new camera.

Finally, I would like to share the following prayer (twice I received it recently; first from my wife on my birthday, and second from the church elder during the contact group dedication):

“When I think of the wisdom and scope of God’s plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”

(Ephesians 3: 14-19; NLT).

Do You Remember?

The anniversary is a chance to take a step back and have a look at the year that has gone by and do a close-up analysis of your marriage. It gives you the chance to rekindle some of the flame that used to burn brightly. It gives you a chance to say you’re sorry about things that have gone wrong and it gives you a chance to escape the world and concentrate on one another completely for 24 hours. With modern day society being as hectic as it is, it is so easy to get lost in the everyday drama of work, meetings, children, colleagues and more. Far too many couples get “lost” along the way and the anniversary is the perfect opportunity to get things “back on track” at least once a year – Marrilyn (Travelling Bride).

photo: The Padang, S'pore (Nov 09)

Today is the anniversary of “Will you Be My Wife (BMW)?” proposal. My wife and I share the same belief that each and every anniversary deserves to be celebrated in a memorable way. Some friends are amazed that we actually remember our proposal date. A few, particularly the guys, may even ask why fuss over anniversary? Why do we need to remember dates in the first place? Well, a simple reason is when we celebrate our anniversary each year it is an annual renewal of our commitment to one another.

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In his sermon on The Importance of Remembering the Past, Bruce Goettsche notes as a nation, we have tried to keep our history alive through monuments. We have monuments to various wars. We have museums that contain artifacts that tell the story of the past. We place monuments in cemeteries and study family genealogical records, all in an attempt to keep our "history" alive. Similarly, God didn't just tell the Israelites to remember . . . He gave them aids to help them remember. In the biblical history of Israel, God made a habit of building monuments and establishing symbols that would keep his people informed. For example, He gave the rainbow to Noah; the rite of circumcision to Abraham; the sacrificial system & the required feasts, etc. And Jesus instituted Baptism and Holy Communion, commanding “This Do in Remembrance of Me.”

Goettsche went on to offer three reasons why we need to remember: (1) Because we have selective memory, (2) Because it reminds us of our blessings, and (3) Because it spurs us on and keeps us focused. Whilst his sermon focused on what remembering does for our spiritual lives, I feel that the same reasons apply to celebrating one’s proposal, engagement, or wedding anniversary.

Because we have selective memories: For the first point, he uses the following example to illustrate what he meant. When you are in a conflict with another person, what offenses do you remember most clearly? Your offenses, or the other person's? If you are like most people you remember what others did TO you while you spotlight what you did FOR the other person. We conveniently forget the things we did to provoke a conflict.

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Because it Reminds us Of Our Blessings. Isn't it a wonderful thing to page through a scrapbook or look at wedding pictures? Isn't it a precious thing to look through the photo albums and remember the people who have touched our lives and the events that enriched us? It's hard to look at those things and not be grateful for the blessings we've had.

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Because it Spurs Us On and Keeps us Focused. The whole point of remembering is to spur you on. Remembering your wedding vows helps you focus again on your commitment. Remembering how much it hurt to lose someone helps you cherish those you had taken for granted. Remembering how much a visit meant when you experienced loss will spur you on to make that difficult visit to a friend who is grieving. Remembering how scared you were when you were sick will help you to cherish the days you have.

In summary, when we forget the past we lose the anchor that keeps us from drifting. Just as God establish memorials to remind his people, celebrating our anniversary is establishing our own monuments of remembrance. For me and my wife, Nov 28 will be always be a special day! Because it is the day we committed ourselves and our future to each other… it is the day we agreed to be fellow pilgrims on this earth journey. And celebrating the anniversary reminds us of the circumstances, places and divine hand that brought us together.

So what did we do to celebrate our anniversary this year? We decided to break our normal routine and went on a date the whole day. Our date starts at Raffles City where we went shopping for a camera, tv and some gifts for her friends. Then, we had a relaxing lunch at a Japanese restaurant. After that, we took a stroll along memory lane – The Padang, the place where I went down on my knees to propose to her exactly 19 years ago. We went visited some art exhibitions at the City Hall before finding our way to Funan IT Mall where we had popiah and coffee.

At the mall, we bumped into a couple from church, who are also staying in our condominium. We had tea with them for an hour or so before making our way to Bistro 103 at Pasir Panjang for dinner - I found the casual bistro after googling on web as a follow up to my wife’s request to have BBQ ribs for dinner. The meal was nice and service was fast and good. We ended up chatting with the pleasant proprietor who readily gave us a 10% discount on hearing that it was our anniversary.

We didn't reached home till 9.00 pm. It was a long day but we had a wonderful time enjoying each other company. Below are the photos we took today (using the new camera) plus some old photos from the file.

Source: http://www.travellingbride.co.za/artickes-and-news/ ; Rev. Bruce Goettsche, LaHarpe, IL. 61450 www.unionchurch.com

Through The Years

"Through the years, you've never let me down
You've turned my life around, the sweetest days I've found
I've found with you ... through the years."

My wife celebrated her birthday last weekend. We had a quiet dinner at Chalk, a supposedly french/italian restaurant located at an old school compound at Mt. Sophia. I picked the restaurant after reading the following review on the HungryGoWhere website:

"Chalk is definately a hidden gem located on Mt Sophia. Awesome food, awesome people and awesome environment. Great value for the quality food you are getting and it is definately an experience that's worth spending every penny on."

I booked a table in the air-con section, but we decided to sit outside on the deck as the evening was quite cooling. Ambience wise, it was pleasant and nice. The service staff was also very friendly. But the food was just average... In total, we spent $83... for seafood bisque ($15), rocket salad ($8), duck confit ($29), 12" pizza ($18) and fondant cake ($13). But we did enjoyed each other company; away from the hustle and bustle of daily routine.

In celebration, I dedicated the song "Through The Years" sung by Kenny Rogers for her. The words are very meaningful for a couple who have been through the years:

I can't remember when you weren't there

When I didn't care for anyone but you
I swear we've been through everything there is

Can't imagine anything we've missed

Can't imagine anything the two of us can't do

Through the year, you've never let me down

You turned my life around, the sweetest days I've found

I've found with you ... through the years

I've never been afraid, I've loved the life we've made

And I'm so glad I've stayed, right here with you

Through the years

I can't remember what I used to do

Who I trusted whom, I listened to before

I swear you've taught me everything I know

Can't imagine needing someone so

But through the years it seems to me

I need you more and more

Through the years, through all the good and bad

I knew how much we had, I've always been so glad

To be with you ... through the years

Its better everyday, you've kissed my tears away
As long as its okay, Ill stay with you

Through the years

Through the years, when everything went wrong

Together we were strong, I know that I belonged
Right here with you ... through the years

I never had a doubt, we'd always work things out

I've learned what loves about, by loving you

Through the years

Through the years, you've never let me down

You've turned my life around, the sweetest days I've found

I've found with you ... through the years

Its better everyday, you've kissed my tears away

As long as its okay, Ill stay with you

Through the years!

The Art of Persuasion

To persuade (not manipulate; nor intimidate) means to use sweetness to get people to do things. Effective persuasion is a result of relating, not ruling. It speaks to the heart as well as to the head. - John Maxwell

photos: Switzerland (1993)

1) Know precisely what you’re trying to accomplish
Before you can persuade others on any issue, you need to know just exactly what it is you want to accomplish.

2) Place yourself in the other person’s shoes
We persuade, not from our own perspective, but from getting the perspective of others. What do they know? What do they feel? What do they want?
People have certain needs and expectations. If they can see that what you want can also give them what they want, they will be much more open and receptive.

When you want to convert someone to your view, you go over to where he is standing, take him by the hand (mentally speaking), and guide him. You don’t stand across the room and shout at him; you don’t call him a dummy; you don’t order him to come over to where you are. You start where he is and work from that position.

3) Expose the problems immediately
Lay all his cards on the table at the beginning… Always deal with the problem issues up front! This establishes a base of trust, which is necessary for any relationship.

4) Appeal to the higher vision
Most people are inherently decent and fair and they want to “do the right thing.” It is your job, as the persuader, to make them understand the human values represented by your position. They must be made to feel empathy for what you are trying to do so that emotionally they want to give you the response you seek.

5) Know when to stop
There is great dignity in simplicity. Simplicity is eloquent; it speaks loud and clear without insulting the intelligence of the listener.

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6) Cover your topic with enthusiasm
Be enthusiastic! A speech without enthusiasm is like a landscaped painted entirely in shades of gray – there is form but no color. Enthusiasm alone will many times give you the edge you need.

source: John Maxwell, Be a People Person

People of Grace

"People of grace leave others better off than how they found them, even when they were getting nothing in return"

- Henry Cloud (p. 84).

photo: SDE, NUS

In his book Integrity, Henry Cloud shared that we can divided character’s ability to trust & be trustworthy into 3 categories:

1. Paranoid – this kind of person just doesn’t see trust as an option and can do OK, as long as things are going well. But, these people typically do not extend themselves to others in the kinds of giving and vulnerability because they feel as if everyone will come back to get them. Somehow they will “get screwed in the end,” they feel. “No good turn goes unpunished” could be their motto, and when something goes wrong, they instantly get into retaliatory more (p. 81).

2. Fair - These types desire trust and good relationships and treat people well, as long as they are being treated well. And they do not turn mole hills into mountain or read paranoid meanings into innocent mistakes. They are pretty forgiving and can solve problem. They will do wonderful things as well and can be quite giving to people who are doing well to them. They give as long as they are receiving, and things are mutual. They truly are “for” the ones who are “for” them. In the sense, they are people who “play fair” – “you treat me well, and I will treat you well” seems to be the rule that they live by. But if something truly does go wrong, or even less than going wrong, is not equal or mutual in some way, then they cry foul, and their good treatment of others stops. They are not being stroked, so they are not going to stroke.

3. Grace - True trust comes when we realize that another’s goodness, and being for my best interest, is not dependent on anything. It is just a part of that person’s integrity. It is who that person is, the kind of person who wants the best for others and will do whatever he or she can bring that about. Then, there is nothing to fear. If I mess up, you will be there for me. That doesn’t mean that you are going to ignore my failures, by any measure. You may even do an intervention, or something strong to get me to face my lack of performance. But, you will still have my best interests in mind, and that will be your motivation. As a result, I can trust your intervention and be helped.

In leadership, this means that you are for your people to do well, and to become all that they can be. It also means that you do things “for” them that are “unmerited” and help them get there. And the truth is that this kind of person never really initiates being “against” anyone, unless that person is doing something to harm him or others. At that point, the person will take a stand to end the destruction, but even that kind of stand is against the destructiveness.

Source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Invalidation

For the most part, life involves people. That is obvious in the sphere of relationships, such as friendship, family, marriage, and community. But, we are often unaware of how big the people part is in getting work done well. It is just as vital. So, if your character is going to meet the demands of reality, it is going to have to be able to negotiate the world of people. And that can only be done successfully through connectedness. Connecting with others in a way that makes them feel understood and valued is the key to life and the basis of building trust and loyalty. From that base, everything else works. To do that requires the kind of character that is oriented toward others and makes proactive connections with them in a way that builds bonds (p. 73).

"The human heart will seek to be known, understood and connected with above all else. If you do not connect, the ones you care about will find someone who will." - Henry Cloud

In his book Integrity, Henry Cloud asked "If entering into another person’s reality, validating it, and treating it with respect builds connection, what destroys it? The exact opposite: Invalidation. When your experience is all that exists to you, invalidation occurs when you negate the other person’s experience, treating it as somehow not real or non-existent. (p. 63).

Some leaders are afraid to validate if they disagree, because they fear it sounds as if they are giving credibility to something they know is not right. But that is not the issue. Of course, communication is often about persuasion and bringing one person around to another different perspective. To empathize and validate what someone is experiencing does not mean that you always agree or even think that the other person is right. It just means that you see it as valid in that it is really their experience, and true for that person, and you show them that you understand what they are thinking and feeling. And that comes from seeing and caring about another person’s heart, and communicating that, whether or not you agree. You must connect first.... But other times it means that if you did connect with it, you would learn from the other person as well and may even change what you feel about it. That is how communicating helps us to know the other person and thereby enlarge our understanding about reality. (p. 64).

The sad thing is that most times the people who invalidate other people’s experience are not aware that they are doing something destructive. In fact, they often think they are helping… we have all seen those instances where someone has say something negative like “I’m such a loser,” and someone immediately comes back with “Don’t say that! You don’t really feel that way!” or some other attempt to help that only drives the person further into hopelessness. The reason is that he now has two problems instead of one. He has the initial problem that he felt so negative about, and then he feels that he is all alone and has no one who really understands. That is why people who try to help others by talking them out what they fell are usually no help at all. It is also the reason why research has for decades proven that you can help desperate people immensely by giving them no answers at all, and only giving them empathy (p. 66).

In summary, connection and trust happen when one heart meets another. Invalidation, on the other hand, wipes out the other heart and closes it off…

source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Careless Trust

In his book, Integrity, Henry Cloud shared that one of the Hebrew words that means ‘trust’ has the association he liked most when thinking of what ‘trust’ actually means.

To trust means to be careless. It means that you do not have to worry about how to “take care” of yourself with that person, because he is going to be worried about that too. It means that you do not have to “guard” yourself with her, because she is going to be concerned with what is good for you and what is not good for you. You do not have to “watch your back” with him, because he is going to be watching it for you (p. 77).

photo: Frankfurt (Jun 09)

In other words, the supreme essence of trust is not being “guarded”. This type of trust can only be developed over time as the other party recognizes that their interests were being lookedout for even when they are not looking.

According to Henry, incredible things happen when two parties “let down their guard” with each other. They get open, creative, take risks, learn from each other, and deliver fruit in whatever their endeavor to a much more leveraged degree that if they were in the protected mode. This happens in personal relationships, such as marriage, friendship, or parenting, and in business as well. To get to everything that can come from two people’s hearts, minds, and souls, you have to get to openness and vulnerability. You have to have access. And access is only given as trust increases (p. 79-80).

When access builds, more is given. But, once you know the person, trust goes to a whole different level when you both figure out that the other is “for” you and not “against” you or even indifferent even when you are not watching (p. 80).

source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Connection

"In work, in marriage, in parenting, in friendship, in business, connection happens when one person has a true emotional investment in the other, and the other person experiences that and it is returned. To do that requires the character that gets out of oneself long enough to know, experience, and value the “other”… It has to be done in a way that the “other” can experience it. - Henry Cloud (p. 57).

photo: Munich (Jun 09)

People feel cared about, and trust is built, when they know that we have a genuine interest in knowing about them.

Connection, fundamentally, is the experience by one person that another is invested in him or her. It begins in infancy, when a baby comes to life as its mother involves herself in its being and existence. What he or she feels and experience matters, and a bond is built. That continues throughout childhood, and kids who grow up with deep connection are the ones who grow up secure, and most able to deal with life. What we forget, though, is that connectedness is important not just for babies, but all the way through life (p. 57).

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Detachment is the opposite of connection. It is whereby a person is a kind of island unto him- or herself. Not to be confused with being introverted, detachment is about not crossing the space to actually enter into another person’s world through the curiosity and desire to know them, understand them, to be ‘with’ them, to be present with them, and ultimately to care for them. Sadly, a lot of loving & nice people are detached in this way, and their relationships suffer for it (p. 56).
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What Builds Connection?
Empathy - the ability to enter into another person’s experience and connect with it in such a way that you actually experience to some degree what the other person is experiencing. It is “as if” you are the other person, at least for a moment. Empathy comes from the Greek words meaning “in” and “feeling.” It is as if you are ‘in the feeling’ of the other (p. 58).

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Connecting with others in a way that makes them feel understood and valued is the key to life and the basis of building trust and loyalty. From that base, everything else works. To do that requires the kind of character that is oriented toward others and makes proactive connections with them in a way that builds bonds (p. 73).

source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Gaining Trust

What is so special about friendship? TRUST, according to Charles Kingsley and Ralph Waldo Emerson. "A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and loves us in spite of all our faults" - Charles Kingsley.

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it's the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friend." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

But how do you gain people’s trust? According to Henry Cloud, "if you are going to get them to come with you in your final decision, and trust you, you have to understand where they are and join them in that place first…. people are not going to get in the car with somebody they don’t trust or don’t fell understand them. We trust people who we think hear us, understand us, and are able to empathize with our realities as well as their own. That is why the abilities to connect and trust are so intertwined." - H. Cloud (pp. 52-53).

photo: stokholm, sweden (june 09)

Trust, in the end, is about the heart, and someone making an investment in you from his or her heart. And if you gain people’s trust, their heart, then you also have their desire and passion. Heart, desire and passion all go together. Without one, you don’t have the other. That is why some leaders only get compliance, but can’t capture their people’s best efforts… But the good ones capture the other people’s will, their true desire, through connecting with them first (p. 53).

photo: stockholm, sweden (jun 09)

Application: In marriage, how far will a spouse go for someone who makes no attempt to understand and connect with where he or she is and what he or she is experiencing in the relationship? As time goes by, less and less. The love begins to wane, and the passion fails to fuel the commitment as it once did. That is when they get into danger if they do not have a deeper desire to live out their values and commitments over and above how they feel… BUT,

if some feels understood, and connect with, it is a whole different story. (p. 54)

Source: Henry Cloud, Integrity - the courage to meet demands of reality

The Art of Marriage

A GOOD marriage must be created.

In the marriage, the little things are the big things...

It is never being too old to hold hands.

It is remembering to say, "I love you" at least once each day,

It is never going to sleep angry.

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.

It is standing together and facing the world.

It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.

It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.

It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.

It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.

It is common search for the good and the beautiful.

It is not only marrying the right person.

It is being the right partner.

Strike the Original Match

Four-year old Suzie had just been told the story Snow White for the first time in her life. She could hardly wait to get home from the nursery school to tell her mommy. With wide-eyed excitement, she retold the fairy tale to her mother that afternoon. After relating how Prince Charming had arrived on his beautiful white horse and kissed Snow White back to life, Suzie asked loudly, "And do you know what happened then?".

"Yes," said her mom, "they lived happily ever after". "No", responded Suzie, with a frown, "they got married."

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In childlike innocence, that little nursery schooler spoke the in-depth truth without realizing it.

Getting married and living happily ever after are not necessarily synonymous.

"The honeymoon is over... dream lie broken and scattered... there is nothing left of the relationship once was. The duet has become a duel. The smiles and laughter that once made coming home sheer ecstasy have turned into lonely stares and sighs of dissappointment. The magic is gone. Nothing is left in its place except cold mental mirrors reflecting yesterday's sunshine that today has been eclipsed." - Swindoll

photo: Langkawi, Malaysia (1992)

Recently, I have been reading a book by one of my favorite Christian authors - Charles Swindoll. The book is entitled, Strike the Original Match - Rekindle the Fire in Your Marriage and Keep it Burning.

Essentially, this is a bliblical book on marriage. This book is all about offering a strong challenge to those who are willing to get down to business and let the Bible strike the original match as they and their partner glean God's timeless truth to help them rekindle that fire.You don't have to be told which option many married couples are choosing today. Chances are good you yourself have entertained the thought of selling out. It's certainly easier to bail out than to work through.

photo: Blk 352 Choa Chu Kang Central (our first home)

In the book, Swindoll said "a marriage is a lot like our house." While new it sparkles. Fresh smells, fun surprises, and new discoveries make each day a snap, crackle, and pop. Sure there's work to be done, but the newness takes away the hassle. As time passes, however, things change.

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Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the grit of responsibility mixed with the grind of routine starts to take its toll. Who hasn't experience it? ... the dreams fade into the misty memories of "the way we were," introducing to us the nightmarish and fearful feelings of "the way it is".

photo: our current home in Hillview

Proverbs: By wisdom, a house is built. And by understanding, it is established; And by knowledge, the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches (Proverbs 24:3-4).

Three truths to help us find fulfillment in our marriage: wisdom, understanding, and knowledge. Without these at work in our relationship, we will lack protection... as out own marriage will be weakened and ultimately lose its fire. Wisdom is seeing with discernment, Understanding is responding with insight, and Knowledge is learning with perception.

.source: Swindoll, Strike the Original Match

The Good Fight

We need to cultivate politeness in our marriage:

"One of the sad facts of close relationship is that we treat the ones we love worse than we treat just about anyone else. We are more likely to hurl insults at our marriage partner than any other person in our lives. We are even more polite to acquitances than we are to our mates."

- Parrott & Parrott

.photos: Whistler, Canada (2006)

One of the major tasks of marriage is learning what can and should be changed (habits of nagging, for eg.) and what should be overlooked. We know how easy it is to criticize one's mate. Successful couples resolve conflict without leaving scars, because they learned to fight a good fight by sticking closely to the following rules.

1) Don't run from strife: Repressed irritations have a high rate of resurrection. Happy couples may disagree vehemently, but they don't shut their partners out. When one spouse brings up an issue, the other listens attentively. From time to time, the listener will paraphrase what the other says to make sure the message is understood.

2) Choose your battle carefully: Love may be blind, but for many partners marriage is a magnifying glass. Some couples can't seem to find a relaxed, reasonably efficient way of figuring out how to settle differences as small as which movie to see or whose friends to visit.

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We ourselves have done our fair share of yupping about minor infractions, but we've also learned not to sweat the small stuff. This simple advice can keep you from ruining a Friday evening or even an entire vacation. So before you gripe about the way your partner made the bed or cleared the table, ask yourself if it's worth it.

3) Define the issue clearly: When you feel the tension rising, ask each other to define clearly what the fight is about until bother of you understand the issue. Marital battle become habitual if the source of conflict is not identified, but once couples define the issue, they can be more up front about what is really bugging them. And once the conflict is clearly defined, it often takes care of itself. Address the question, "what are we really quarelling about?" and "what is the real source of our disagreement?"

4) State your feelings directly: One party may be more expressive than the other. In other words, one person may articulate his or her feelings more quickly and more intensely than the other. And this imbalance can cause problems time and again because what is important to one person may not be very important at all. A simple technique to express your feelings is to use the following rating of the intensity of your feelings:

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1. I'm not enthuasiatic, but it's no big deal to me.

2. I don't see it the way, but I may be wrong.

3. I don't agree, but I can live with it.

4. I don't agree, but I'll let you have your way.

5. I don't agree and cannot remain silent on this.

6. I do not approve, and I need more time.

7. I strongly disapprove and cannot go along with it.

8. I will be seriously upset I can't predict my reaction.

9. No possible way! If you do, I quit!

10.Over my dead body!

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Anytime a heated exchange occurs, a couple can take simply pull this list out and rank the depth of their disagreement ("This is a three for me." "It's a five for me"). By rating their conflict, they can play a level field when one person is more expressive than the other.

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5) Give up Put-Downs: Unhappy couples turn every spat into a slippery slope of one unkind word that leads to another. Put-downs are especially lethal when they attack an Achilles' heel. Two universal examples are sexual performance and parents. It is tricky enough, in life's mellowest moments, to discuss sexual dissatisfaction with a mate; but to use it in an argument is a rotten idea. And even though we are allowed to criticize our own parents, it's dirty pool for a spouse to be doing it.

6) End the Fight: Refocus the exchange when it gets off course. Stick close to the issues. Calm down ("Let's take a break. We're both too upset to discuss this reasonably right now). It is not how you get into arguments, but how you exit them.

Remember the song, "sorry seems to be the hardest word to say"? At the recent marriage breakthrough weekend, the pastor reminded us that in an argument, both parties are usually at fault, although the apportionment of fault may not be 50-50. Regardless of who is more at fault, the husband should exercise leadership by taking the first step to end the fight by saying to his wife,

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"I was wrong (not I am sorry) ... Will you forgive me?"

source: Dr Les Parrott II & Dr Leslie Parrott "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" in Do You Know How to Fight a Good Fight?