A Long, Winding & Steep Journey

I am delighted to share that I have been recently promoted to full professorship in NUS. The promotion will be backdated to July 2016. I am humbled by the many congratulatory notes and kind words from friends, colleagues, and ex-students.

How do I feel? Happy and relieved at the same time. Happy for reaching a summit in the academic profession. Relieved because the road I have traveled, from my PhD (1995-1998) to promotion and tenure (2006) and full professorship (2016), has been a long and steep one.

Florida (2015)

Looking back, I have never felt that I was ever walking alone. I am truly grateful for the love and support of my family, friends, colleagues and students, and especially my endearing (and enduring) wife who walked with me and cheered me on each step of the way. Above all, I knew God was with me all the way and His grace is sufficient for me.

I have been reflecting on the experience. It has been a long and winding journey, but an enjoyable and educational one nonetheless. A few valuable lessons learnt along the way:

• “do not allow adversity to rob me of my joy”;
• “work hard and give thanks in all circumstances”;
• “stay calm and enjoy the scenery while on a detour”;
• “it doesn’t matter how slow you go so long as you don’t stop”;
• “no journey is too long with the right company”; 
• “stay humble: do not let success go to your head”; 
• “in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of other“
• Do not judge people by their peak of excellence, but by the distance they have travelled from the point where they started” (H.W. Beecher). 

In my quiet contemplation, I am reminded of the inspiring sculpture, “Way of Life” by Jonathan Clarke in the Cathedral of Ely, England. The sculpture depicts life’s many unexpected twists and turns as we journey on the winding road from darkness to light.  Highlighting its symbolic impact, the Cathedral of Ely noted: “Like the journey of faith, its path is irregular and unpredictable; and just as the journey is sometimes hard, sometimes joyful, the surface texture and colour also vary.”

Yet, I am aware that this is not the end. No one can stay on the summit forever; the journey must continue... There are new places to travel and more peaks to conquer. I will remain faithful to my calling; be an inspiration and a light to those around me - first, burning brightly as a candle on a stand and second, reflecting Gods' radiance as a mirror. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:16).

 

Once again, thank you so much for your blessing of friendship.

 

Advice to a Fresh Graduate

To RE2013: Here's wishing you the very best for your future as you embark on a new chapter of your life.

 

photo: Big Island, Hawaii (April 2013)

 

Allow me to share a passage extracted from a book I am currently reading: A father tells his son, a recent college graduate, how he should approach the first day of his job with a proper attitude: "Don't try to show them what you know. Instead, show them how much you want to learn."

None of us can accomplish our dreams without the help of others. An arrogant person does not ask for help and thus is helpless. An arrogant person claims to know everything and thus is clueless. A humble person attracts helpers and teachers.

Humility also fosters gratitude and appreciation, which are forces for healing and happiness.

source: Nick Vujicic (2012) Unstoppable

Kung Fu Panda: Lesson 4

4.      The secret to unlimited power is to “believe”.
 

In the movie, the hero and the villain fought over the Dragon Scroll, which contained the secret to unlimited power. However, when the scroll was eventually unveiled, it turned out to be an anticlimax because the scroll was blank. Po later discovered that the secret of the scroll is simply to “believe”.

In another scene, Shifu had an exchange of words with Grand Master Oogway on Po’s potential. Shifu was dismissive of Po, saying, “The panda? He is no dragon warrior!” However, Grand Master Oogway, in his wisdom, foretold that, “maybe he can, if you are willing to guide him, to nurture him, to believe in him!”    

As a teacher, I believe in the value of education. I also believe in what I teach. Most importantly, I believe in my students who are really the hope and future of the real estate profession. I honestly believe that the best buildings have yet to be built, and the most innovative real estate deals have yet to be structured, because the people behind those buildings and deals are in my classroom today.

Source: "Four Lessons from Kung Fu Panda", OEA Public Lecture Series 2012.

Kung Fu Panda: Lesson 3

3.      We may not be born with teaching skills, but we can acquire them through perseverance.

A quick question—are kung fu masters born or made? In the movie, the villain Tai Lung was a natural kung fu fighter. Everyone said, “He is a prodigy!” He mastered every kung fu move very quickly. However, despite his superb skills, Tai Lung’s pride eventually turned him into a monster. Po, on the hand, was fat and clumsy. Although unskilled at first, he eventually mastered the art of kung fu because he persevered and refused to give up.

Similarly, are excellent teachers born or made?

Some are naturally gifted. They have intelligence, good looks, charisma, verbal fluency, a pleasant voice, and a good memory! In my case, it was the exact opposite—for one thing, I am not a naturally fluent speaker. Language and grammar are not my best subjects. Inhibited by a lack of confidence and self-consciousness, I used to suffer from stage fright.

However, I was determined to take every opportunity to learn and improve my teaching skills—both informally, from colleagues and formally, from attending courses organised by CDTL. I recorded my lectures, reviewed them over and over again, and solicited feedback. I read books on public speaking, making good presentations, and general teaching. I also made an effort to master the subject knowledge; I learnt to tell stories and to develop my own style of teaching.

Source: "Four Lessons from Kung Fu Panda", OEA Public Lecture Series 2012.

Kung Fu Panda: Lesson 2

2.      The first step to our dream is to wake up.

We all have to start somewhere; to paraphrase the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, “the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step”. In the world of dreams and fantasies, we can do anything—from beating the most powerful foe with one little finger, to executing the most difficult stunt. However, in the real world, nothing worthwhile is easily obtained.

In the movie, Po’s initial reception by the Furious Five and their master, Shifu, was anything but warm. He was ridiculed and poked fun at. In one scene, Tigress, his idol, told him straight in the face, “Look, you don’t belong here! You are a disgrace to kung fu!” In another scene, Shifu derided Po: “Look at you! This fat butt, flabby arms, and this ridiculous belly, and utter disregard for personal hygiene… Don’t stand too close, I can smell your breath!”

When I first started teaching, I also encountered critical comments from students (despite my good intentions and best efforts). Some of these comments included:

·  “he lacks confidence… should be more at ease”,

·  “need to improve on his presentation style... always reading straight from the slide. Not very clear during [the] lecture”,

·  “his lectures are not well organized. Notes are often out of order” 

·  “content [is] too dry and technical”.

Two negative responses to such criticisms would be denial and self-pity. Denial would involve rejecting negative feedback by rationalising that students do not know how to identify “good” and “bad” teaching; that their view of a good teacher is based primarily on popularity and showmanship rather than substance. Self-pity, on the other hand, would involve allowing the negative feedback to eat into one’s confidence and emotion, which could lead to depression and making excuses about one’s teaching skills. In the movie, a dejected Po cried,

“I suck! They totally hate me! How is Shifu ever going to turn me into the Dragon Warrior? I mean, I’m not like the Five. I’ve got no claws, no wings, no venom, even the mantis has this… Maybe I should just quit!” 

In short, critical words can break the confidence of a young apprentice. I am glad that Po did not quit despite such setbacks. If he had, his story would have ended there and then, and there would have been no “Kung Fu Panda”. I wonder how many stories have remained untold and dreams unfulfilled because someone said, “I quit!”

Source: "Four Lessons from Kung Fu Panda", OEA Public Lecture Series 2012.  

Kung Fu Panda: Lesson 1

1.      Every great thing starts with a dream.

 

The movie starts with a dramatic scene of Po fighting alongside his idols, the legendary Furious Five (Tigress, Crane, Mantis, Viper and Monkey) to defeat an army of villains. Alas, it was only a dream, a crazy dream it seems!

 

Like Po, many of us can recall having childhood dreams. However, at some point in time, many cast aside these childhood dreams. What happened? Maybe as they grew up into adulthood, they learnt that dreams and fantasies were for children and would have no place in the adult world. Maybe, they learnt from bitter experience that dreams and disappointments were correlated. The bigger the dream, the greater the disappointment! As such, in order to insulate themselves from being hurt, they stopped dreaming.

However, dreams are important. To be honest, my pursuit of teaching excellence involved pursuing a series of dreams, starting from scaling small hills to eventually aiming for the peak—the Mount Everest of the OEA! In the words of the great American industrialist Henry J. Kaiser,

“I always have to dream up there against the stars. If I don’t dream I’ll make it, I won’t even get close. So, dream a great dream, a lofty dream, an impossible dream!”

 

 

Source: "Four Lessons from Kung Fu Panda", OEA Public Lecture Series 2012.

A Friendly Trail

"Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit."

- Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People.

Continue to Climb

Whatever the struggle, continue the climb... "I've learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.” (anon).

photo: steps up Mt Faber, S'pore

Bad Apologies!

I'd "rather die" than say sorry - Zinedine Zidane (Mar 2010)

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"Never apologise and never explain... it's a sign of weakness." - 1949 film, She Wore A Yellow Ribbon

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Footballers, whether they like it or not, are role models by virtue of their high profile. Over the past few weeks, two incidents involving famous footballers (both were captains of their respective national teams) have hogged the headlines.

The first incident involved France legend Zinedine Zidane, who headbutted Marco Materazzi during the 2006 World Cup final - an action which saw the France captain duly dismissed. That was to be the last game of his distinguished career. Italy went on to win the World Cup in a penalty shoot-out. In a recent interview (March 1, 2010), while Zidane admits he regrets what he did, he insists he will never apologise to Materazzi because of the insults against his mother that he claims provoked the headbutt.

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The second incident involved Manchester City's footballer Wayne Bridge's refusal to shake hand with John Terry (Chelsea's captain), who had had an affair with Bridge's ex-girlfriend. Both were once best friends and teammates at Chelsea FC and England. As a result of the scandal, John Terry was removed as the team captain of England. Wayne Bridge, on his part, made himself unavailable for the World Cup citing John Terry’s failure to apologise as the main reason. When John Terry showed no signs of remorse in the statement he issued the day he was stripped of the England captaincy — and in his conduct towards Bridge himself — the Manchester City full back realised living in such close quarters to his one-time friend and colleague for the duration of a tournament was going to be impossible.

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Hard to Say Sorry: Most people find it difficult to say sorry. As Gary Hayden wrote in his recent featured article in the Straits Times on Feb 25, 2010, "some people never accept blame and never apologise." In his article, Hayden highlighted some examples of bad apologies as well as how to say sorry.

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Bad apologies are annonying and more likely to incense someone than it will placate him. Three examples of bad apologies highlighted by Hayden are:

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(1) Insincere apologies - whenever a politician is caught with his hands in the till or a sportsman with his pants down, an apology will almost certainly ensue. However, we are left wondering whether the person concerned is sorry for what he did - or merely sorry he got caught. More often than not, we suspect the later.

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(2) Half-baked apologies - these are often phrased using the passive voice. So instead of admitting "I made a mistake", we say "Mistakes were made". Instead of saying "I am sorry I wrecked your car," we say "I am sorry your car was wrecked". At the heart of these ineffectual apologies is an unwillingness to be fully responsible for what has happened.

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(3) Back-handed apologies - worse, these are really non-apologies. Instead of saying "I am sorry I offended you, ", we say "I am sorry you took offense". The implication here is that you ought not really to have taken offence and Ihave not really done anything wrong but I had better apologise anyway or else I may never hear the last of it. Other examples of backhanded apologies, which subtly shift responsibility onto the victim, include "I am sorry if anyone misunderstood me" and "I am sorry you feel that way".

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An incomplete apology is often, quite rightly, seen as a second insult. In the next blog, I will continue with the tips offered by Hayden on "how to say sorry".

source: Gary Hayden, "Hard to Say Sorry", The Strait Times (Feb 25, 2010); http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1253880/John-Terry-didnt-say-sorry-The-reason-Wayne-Bridge-quit-England.html#ixzz0hM05le1v

Believe the Best

Each of us is given seeds. Each of us bear fruit – a yield – very often in direct relationship to our ability to till, to plant, to nurture, and to reap.

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This semester, which has just ended, has been a busy one for me. In the last segment of my last lecture, I shared with my students a few photos on maple trees I took in State College.

Matured maple trees are like the giants of the industry whom they encountered in the course of taking my module: CEO Keppel Land, CEO Singland, CEO Orchard Turn, GM Keppel Bay, MD Citibank, MD Knight Frank, Senior Exec Director Chesterton & VP Mapletree. Their achievements are the aspirations of many students.

But guess where do all these giant trees started?

Yes, giant maple trees all started from small maple saplings. And where do saplings come from?

Tiny Seeds!






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I went on to encourage my students not to underestimate the days of small beginnings. Just as every seed has great potential to grow and bear fruit, they have great potential in them. I shared my conviction:

"the best buildings are yet to be developed! The most innovative real estate deals have not yet been executed."

Why? Because the people behind those buildings and deals are still in my classroom today. I sincerely believe that this will come true one day. What I am doing is developing my students' expectation level by believing the best in them. As John Maxwell wrote, "when you look up to people, they begin to look up to their dreams". And if we have high expectation level and believe in people, we will encourage them. This is the principle of seeing people not as they are but as they can be.

Many people, according to John Maxwell, unfortunately have a low personal expectation level. Leaders and educators need to know how to develop a dream for others and share it with them.... If we can have four eyes, two for seeing what is and two for seeing what might be, we can help others dream. Everyone needs to be exposed to a vision. Unfortunately, not everyone will go for it. Pursue it with those who are ready to stretch.

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Below are some photos my students took over the course of this semester. On the last day of lecture, they collectively decided to come to school wearing the uniform of their junior colleges/secondary schools:

source: John Maxwell, Be a People Person

Taking Ownership

“Leaders take ownership of the results and do not try to excuse those or blame someone else for them.” - Henry Cloud

Workers, on the other hand, do a job. They do what they are told, and that is all they are responsible for, in their mind set. If the desired result does not happen, that is not their problem because they did what they were told. And at the “worker” level, they are right. They are not held accountable for results, but for what they do, i.e. whether or not they follow instructions and implement what management tells them to do (p. 186).

Leaders and, more than that, all successful people do not worry about just making the authority happy. They worry about the results…. It is not enough for the integrated character to be seen as “having followed orders” if the ship sinks or the company is not profitable… Integrated characters want good fruit. They want things to work, and they take ownership of the results as well as their own performance (p. 186-7).

It is human nature for us to blame and externalize. Losers excuse practically every result in their life and blame something outside themselves for what happens. They do not see themselves as contributors to the result...

Successful people, on the other hand, do not blame the outside world for their lack of success in any given venture or relationship.... Successful people care very, very little about ‘fault”. They do not worry about things “being their fault”. Fault to them does not have the most important implications, as it does for immature characters. What has the most important implications for mature characters is solving the problem.

If it means that they need to do something differently, that the way they did it was part of the problem, to them that is good news, not bad. They love knowing that. It gives them control of making it better (p. 188).

Source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

GUEST Service

I have not been keeping this blog updated in the past few months as it has been a very hectic period for me. I am beginning to see the light in the tunnel, with the semester of teaching coming to an end soon. Below is a blog posting entitled, "Treat Your Customer as Your Guest" by NUS office of quality management which I find very meaningful. It is also appropriate since we have been hosting a number of professors visiting Singapore.

photo: Geoff, US (July 09)

One of the key success factors of great service organisations like Ritz Carlton and Walt Disney is that they treat their customers as guests. Therefore, to deliver great service, we first need to embrace the paradigm of treating our customers as guests. This involves learning and practising the "Guest” philosophy, a set of principles for delivering the extraordinary guest experience.

photo: Tony, US (Oct 2009)

Generosity in hospitality : The word “hospitality” is known as the act of generously providing care and kindness to whoever is in need. As a host, one should not only be concerned about meeting or exceeding the guest’s physical and functional needs, but also about satisfying his psychological and emotional needs. In the paper “Customer Experience: The Next Competitive Battleground” by Beyond Philosophy, 69 per cent of all consumers surveyed said that emotions accounted for 50 per cent or more of every customer experience. Therefore, to win your guest’s approval, satisfy his psychological needs; and if you want to win his heart, satisfy his emotional needs.

photo: Gianluca, UK & Dogan, Australia (Oct 09)
Unique individual : Every guest is an individual with unique physical, functional, psychological and emotional needs. Service thus has to be personalised as this would make the guest feel special, instead of like a digit in the stream of customers that come and go.

photo: Simon (UK), Kyung-Hwan (S.Korea) & Charles (HK)

Everyone is welcome : As all customers are your guests, every one of them should feel welcomed and be treated with dignity and respect. There should be no discrimination, prejudice or bias against your guest in terms of age, race, gender, religion or culture. Your guest is a human being; hence, any mistreatment will be felt and such hurt will not go away easily. The damage will be greater if the guest complains about the company to his friends, relatives, colleagues and business partners.
photo: Brent & Cinda (Oct 09)
Service to others : The hallmark of treating your customers as guests is to be of service to them. The host can feel an emotional sense of satisfaction when he sees and senses that his guest leaves the premises happier than when he first arrived.

Total guest experience: The contact that you have with your guest is not simply a short engagement but a summation of all physical and non-physical contacts the guest has with the organisation and its staff. People remember experiences and not just services or products.

photo: HRH The Prince Andrew, UK (Oct 09)
In summary, GUEST Service stands for (1) Generosity in hospitality, (2) Unique individual, (3) Everyone is welcome, (4) Service to others, and (5) Total guest experience.

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Source: Quality Blog, NUS (adapted from the article “Treat Your Customer as Your Guest”, Today’s Manager Jun-Jul 2009).

Failure is Not Fatal

Last week, my students and I visited the newest shopping mall in Singapore at the heart of Orchard Road, namely the ION Orchard. The field trip started with a presentation by the CEO on the competitive advantages of the new shopping mall. After the visit, one student contributed the following on the discussion forum:

"In addition, the CEO mentioned that one of the challenges that she had met in this process is that everything is a risk to her. Even by bringing in new options and having a global flagships is a new thing that they are trying out. I feel that it is an important thing for us to be innovative when it comes to tenant mix as often singaporeans feel that shops in singapore are always the same. Therefore, i agree with her that everything is a risk no matter what we do, we should not always stay in our comfort zone but to step out of it and give it a try, only then could we know if we are successful."

In this posting, I would like to expand on the student's reflection which remind me of 3 four-letter words, i.e. RISK, FEAR & FAIL! Over this weekend, I came across an interesting quotation by Theodore Roosevelt:

"The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything."

The author of the book Bringing Out the Best in People suggests that we should probably reprimand our group if they are not having a few flops, for if they're not failing now and again, it's a sign they're playing it safe. Jack Lemmon once said, "Failure never hurt anybody. It's the fear of failure that kills you... You've got to go down the alley and take those chances."

Seneca also said, "if thou art a man, admire those who attempt great things, even though they fail." The author warned a fatal mistake made by some is to lash out so harshly at young people for some failure that they scale down their aspirations and not longer strive for high goals.

When asked for the ingredients of good managment, a CEO once replied, "You need the ability to fail. I'm amazed at the number of organizations that set up an environment where they do not permit their people to be wrong. You cannot innovate unless you are willing to accept some mistakes."

In the face of failures, there are two possible responses: (1) Quit - unable to rise from their failure, they scale down their dreams and live out their lives in resignation and cautious mediocrity, or (2) Overcome - when they stumble, they pick themselves up, look around o learn from their mistakes, and then go on to finish the race with distinction.

The best managers expect their people to make mistakes, and instead of replacing staff constantly, they recognize that it is more efficient to teach people to cope with their failures and learn from their mistakes. They create an environment whereby FAILURE is not FATAL!

source: Bringing out the Best In People

The Art of Persuasion

To persuade (not manipulate; nor intimidate) means to use sweetness to get people to do things. Effective persuasion is a result of relating, not ruling. It speaks to the heart as well as to the head. - John Maxwell

photos: Switzerland (1993)

1) Know precisely what you’re trying to accomplish
Before you can persuade others on any issue, you need to know just exactly what it is you want to accomplish.

2) Place yourself in the other person’s shoes
We persuade, not from our own perspective, but from getting the perspective of others. What do they know? What do they feel? What do they want?
People have certain needs and expectations. If they can see that what you want can also give them what they want, they will be much more open and receptive.

When you want to convert someone to your view, you go over to where he is standing, take him by the hand (mentally speaking), and guide him. You don’t stand across the room and shout at him; you don’t call him a dummy; you don’t order him to come over to where you are. You start where he is and work from that position.

3) Expose the problems immediately
Lay all his cards on the table at the beginning… Always deal with the problem issues up front! This establishes a base of trust, which is necessary for any relationship.

4) Appeal to the higher vision
Most people are inherently decent and fair and they want to “do the right thing.” It is your job, as the persuader, to make them understand the human values represented by your position. They must be made to feel empathy for what you are trying to do so that emotionally they want to give you the response you seek.

5) Know when to stop
There is great dignity in simplicity. Simplicity is eloquent; it speaks loud and clear without insulting the intelligence of the listener.

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6) Cover your topic with enthusiasm
Be enthusiastic! A speech without enthusiasm is like a landscaped painted entirely in shades of gray – there is form but no color. Enthusiasm alone will many times give you the edge you need.

source: John Maxwell, Be a People Person

Productive Confrontation

Last Friday, our CG study the following passage in the bible: Numbers 27:1-11. It tells the story of five sisters who sought to secure an inheritance because their deceased father had no sons. They went to the entrance of the Tabernacle to give a petition to Moses, Eleazar the priest, the tribal leaders, and others who were there....

"Why should the name of our father dissappear? We feel that we should be given property along with our father's brothers."

Whilst many lessons could be gleaned from this biblical story, my reflection centred on the productive way in which the five sisters confronted Moses. It could have been so different...

Confrontation does not have to be adversarial. It merely means that we are going to “face this issue together instead of putting our heads in the sand and ignoring it.” …. Poor confronters turn things adversarial too easily and quickly. It is experienced as “me versus you”, or “us versus them”, as opposed to “you and I versus the problem”. In the later scenario, we are a team against what is wrong, and coming together to fix it. That keeps the problem, the person, the relationship, and the result all in mind in an integrated fashion (pp. 193-4)

Henry Cloud in his book Integrity, wrote that "one of the most important aspects of character of life, without question, is one’s ability to confront. It is true that you get what you tolerate. If the nature of reality is that there are always problems, if you do not confront them and instead tolerate them, then problems are what you will have (p. 191).
photo: vancouver (2006)
On the other hand, “a lot of people confront easily, even too easily, and yet do it in a manner that is more destructive than helpful. The combative or angry or critical, demeaning confronter does not solve problems. He or she usually drives problems more deeply into hiding by creating an atmosphere of fear rather than resolution (p. 191).

This is one of the areas where character integration is so important. If you fail to confront, you lose. But if you confront poorly, you will also lose. So, you must confront, but confront well. That means that the truth-telling side of your character must be integrated with the loving and caring side of your character. When you show up to deal with a problem, you must bring both of them together. Confront the problem, but in a way that preserves the relationship and the person. If you err on either side, the wake will be affected.

In theology, we hear of grace and truth, which means to be “for the person” and have standards. .. The important thing is to say what needs to be said, and to say it in a way that shows that you care about the person…. “I try to go hard on the issue and soft on the person.” That means that both his truth telling and his care for the connection came together at once. … Honesty without love is not integrity.

¨ But this requires a character that has neutralized the truth… If he or she is still running with a lot of anger inside that has never been integrated and metabolized, then confrontation is going to be toxic, “beating people up”. Love and healing must first have taken place inside people’s souls, or they might be in danger of treating others not in the way they themselves want to be treated, but in the way they have been treated. They repeat the abuse that they have been subjected to in their own experience (p. 192).

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Another aspect of confronting well is that integrated people care about the results of the confrontation, not just making themselves feel good. So, they ask themselves before the confrontation, “what do I want to have happen as a result of this confrontation?”

• If they are impulsive and don’t do that, then they might just care about releasing anger, or forcing someone to do things differently, or getting revenge and making someone feel bad and themselves feel better.

But if they are mindfully integrated, then what they do is desire an integrated outcome. They think, “I want to solve the problem, make the relationship stronger, help the person develop, and empower their development.” So, they confront in a way that is going to bring about that wake. (p.193).

Do You Lose Well?

"The difference between winners and losers is not that winners never lose. The difference is that winners lose well, and losers lose poorly. As a result, winners lose less in the future and do not lose the same way that they lost last time, because they have learned from the loss and do not repeat the pattern. " - Henry Cloud

photo: First snow at State College, USA (2007)

In his book, Integrity, Henry Cloud wrote that we need to learn how to lose well. Why?

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First, we will. We all lose. Things will not turn out well and will sometime be unable to be fixed, even through more perseverance, creativity, and resourcefulness… So, losing is a reality that everyone encounters, and therefore we need to negotiate it…

Second, and most important, the difference between winners and losers is not that winners never lose. The difference is that winners lose well, and losers lose poorly. As a result, winners lose less in the future and do not lose the same way that they lost last time, because they have learned from the loss and do not repeat the pattern. But losers do not learn from what they did and tend to carry that loss or pattern forward into the next venture, or relationship, and repeat the same way of losing. Therefore, they do not become people who lose, as everyone does, but they become people who never win because they do the same things over and over that led to their last loss (p. 160).

The first aspect of losing well has to do with the ability to “let go” and just face the reality that you have lost. As Ecclesiastes 3:16 says, “there is a time to search and a time to give up.” The truth is that sometime it is over, and more effort, attention or work is wasteful. But some people, because of character issues, just can’t let go. They can’t face the loss and reorganize in a new direction. It is the dead of winter and they are still looking for fruit on the tree. Better to use your energy to get ready for springtime so you can sow seeds that have a chance of growing (p. 160-1)

The next aspect of losing well is to “look back” after you let go. After the hope of something is relinquished and the defeat is embraced, the reasons for the loss are examined, understood and learned from. If the person does that before moving on to another venture of the same kind, then the loss will not have to be repeated (p. 162).
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To sit with failure and loss, and understand it, process it, and grieve it before going on, takes depth of character.

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source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Ready, Aim & Fire

If you have not read the book, Integrity, by Henry Cloud, I encourage you to buy it as an investment in yourself, in your growth and success. The new academic year has started and I have a heavy teaching load this semester. Thus, my reading pace will slow down considerably over the next few months. I am still at Chapter Nine, in which Cloud introduced the concept of Ready, Aim & Fire.

photos: Boalsburg, USA (2007)

Being ready means that someone is prepared and able. You can have a great opportunity coming along, and if you jumped in unprepared, or unable to complete it for whatever reason, you will fail. … Another aspect of being ready has to do with “sharpening the saw”, training, doing, self-maintenance, etc. Getting oneself “ready” may mean training, learning, changing, revamping, restructuring, or a host of other things. But the winners are ready before the game. Long-term high achievers are ... prepared (p. 150).

Aim has to do with focus. It has to do with purposeful, goal-oriented action that knows where the energy and resources are being spent and therefore spent well. A lot of people spend a lot of energy working, but their character is so scattered that they never focus on particular goals and outcomes and keep on tract to get there.

A linear path requires the character to say no to impulses and wishes to do other things, to say no to new opportunities that may be good but are not best. Some people’s makeup is such that they still think they can have everything, and as a result, they achieve nothing. They are all over the place. If you were to focus, or aim, and direct all of that energy and talent toward specific, particular goals, they would succeed (p. 150-1).

• He get sidetracked because he refuses to acknowledge that if you want to do A, you cannot do B. In the end, neither one gets the attention they need (p.151).


• Reality is that time, energy, and resources are finite. Focus is about directing those in a way in which enough of each is given so that things happen (p. 152)
  

Fire means that the person is actually able to pull the trigger. She can, after getting ready and getting focused, go for it. She is not risk-aversive, if the risk makes sense. A lot of preparation has gone into the plunge so that risk is minimized. That is the difference between investment and gambling. You cannot really prepare for rolling the dice. It is going to come out the way it is going to come out, and other than researching the odds, that is really all you can do. But an investment risk is jumping into the water after you have found out that it is not poison, toxic, or polluted (p. 152).

To finally be able to jump is important. Some people, even after intelligent evaluation of risks, do not like to sow. They are afraid to put the seed on the ground and trust the process. They can’t see the seed, and what if it doesn’t rain this year? It is just too scary for their character - Henry Cloud (p. 152).

Focus on Your Talent

People do well when they do what they do well and stay away from what they do poorly. Is that not common sense?

- Henry Cloud (p. 144).

photo: Tamarind (Asam Jawa) tree @ Botanical Garden, S'pore

The above statement by Henry Cloud in his book, Integrity, reminds me of an incident during my sabbatical in the US. I was speaking to a very successful researcher in the field of real estate & urban economics and shared with him that one of my goals during my sabbatical was to work on an area of weakness. His advice to me, "to excel in my research, I should concentrate on my strength (not on my weakness) and work with someone who can complement my skill set."

photo: tamarind fruit
According to Henry Cloud, some people are incredible number twos, and lousy number ones. They could be a star in one role, and a washout in the other. Their character will dictate where they end up... He added that humility is not self-deprecating, but real and honest. When someone is who he or she really is and does not act as if he or she is more than he is, that is not arrogance, but secure identity. Out of that security, competent action flows and results happen (p. 146).

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Because these kinds of people are humble enough to know what they are not good at, they do not think they are something they are not and try to operate in those areas. Therefore, they perform poorly less often.

photo: tamarind flower

Entrepreneurs who are successful often learn early on that they are poor managers. So, they begin things and then turn them to people better at operations than themselves and avoid losing the value that they have created. And managers who do not fool themselves into thinking that they are creative visionaries do not step out into nothingness and lose everything.

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Successful people stick to what they are good at and find ways to make that larger. Usually, that involves surrounding themselves with people who are good at the areas they do not possess…,

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"not only do they get the right people on the bus, but they have them sitting in the right seats on the bus." (p. 146-7)