Productive Confrontation

Last Friday, our CG study the following passage in the bible: Numbers 27:1-11. It tells the story of five sisters who sought to secure an inheritance because their deceased father had no sons. They went to the entrance of the Tabernacle to give a petition to Moses, Eleazar the priest, the tribal leaders, and others who were there....

"Why should the name of our father dissappear? We feel that we should be given property along with our father's brothers."

Whilst many lessons could be gleaned from this biblical story, my reflection centred on the productive way in which the five sisters confronted Moses. It could have been so different...

Confrontation does not have to be adversarial. It merely means that we are going to “face this issue together instead of putting our heads in the sand and ignoring it.” …. Poor confronters turn things adversarial too easily and quickly. It is experienced as “me versus you”, or “us versus them”, as opposed to “you and I versus the problem”. In the later scenario, we are a team against what is wrong, and coming together to fix it. That keeps the problem, the person, the relationship, and the result all in mind in an integrated fashion (pp. 193-4)

Henry Cloud in his book Integrity, wrote that "one of the most important aspects of character of life, without question, is one’s ability to confront. It is true that you get what you tolerate. If the nature of reality is that there are always problems, if you do not confront them and instead tolerate them, then problems are what you will have (p. 191).
photo: vancouver (2006)
On the other hand, “a lot of people confront easily, even too easily, and yet do it in a manner that is more destructive than helpful. The combative or angry or critical, demeaning confronter does not solve problems. He or she usually drives problems more deeply into hiding by creating an atmosphere of fear rather than resolution (p. 191).

This is one of the areas where character integration is so important. If you fail to confront, you lose. But if you confront poorly, you will also lose. So, you must confront, but confront well. That means that the truth-telling side of your character must be integrated with the loving and caring side of your character. When you show up to deal with a problem, you must bring both of them together. Confront the problem, but in a way that preserves the relationship and the person. If you err on either side, the wake will be affected.

In theology, we hear of grace and truth, which means to be “for the person” and have standards. .. The important thing is to say what needs to be said, and to say it in a way that shows that you care about the person…. “I try to go hard on the issue and soft on the person.” That means that both his truth telling and his care for the connection came together at once. … Honesty without love is not integrity.

¨ But this requires a character that has neutralized the truth… If he or she is still running with a lot of anger inside that has never been integrated and metabolized, then confrontation is going to be toxic, “beating people up”. Love and healing must first have taken place inside people’s souls, or they might be in danger of treating others not in the way they themselves want to be treated, but in the way they have been treated. They repeat the abuse that they have been subjected to in their own experience (p. 192).

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Another aspect of confronting well is that integrated people care about the results of the confrontation, not just making themselves feel good. So, they ask themselves before the confrontation, “what do I want to have happen as a result of this confrontation?”

• If they are impulsive and don’t do that, then they might just care about releasing anger, or forcing someone to do things differently, or getting revenge and making someone feel bad and themselves feel better.

But if they are mindfully integrated, then what they do is desire an integrated outcome. They think, “I want to solve the problem, make the relationship stronger, help the person develop, and empower their development.” So, they confront in a way that is going to bring about that wake. (p.193).

Do You Lose Well?

"The difference between winners and losers is not that winners never lose. The difference is that winners lose well, and losers lose poorly. As a result, winners lose less in the future and do not lose the same way that they lost last time, because they have learned from the loss and do not repeat the pattern. " - Henry Cloud

photo: First snow at State College, USA (2007)

In his book, Integrity, Henry Cloud wrote that we need to learn how to lose well. Why?

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First, we will. We all lose. Things will not turn out well and will sometime be unable to be fixed, even through more perseverance, creativity, and resourcefulness… So, losing is a reality that everyone encounters, and therefore we need to negotiate it…

Second, and most important, the difference between winners and losers is not that winners never lose. The difference is that winners lose well, and losers lose poorly. As a result, winners lose less in the future and do not lose the same way that they lost last time, because they have learned from the loss and do not repeat the pattern. But losers do not learn from what they did and tend to carry that loss or pattern forward into the next venture, or relationship, and repeat the same way of losing. Therefore, they do not become people who lose, as everyone does, but they become people who never win because they do the same things over and over that led to their last loss (p. 160).

The first aspect of losing well has to do with the ability to “let go” and just face the reality that you have lost. As Ecclesiastes 3:16 says, “there is a time to search and a time to give up.” The truth is that sometime it is over, and more effort, attention or work is wasteful. But some people, because of character issues, just can’t let go. They can’t face the loss and reorganize in a new direction. It is the dead of winter and they are still looking for fruit on the tree. Better to use your energy to get ready for springtime so you can sow seeds that have a chance of growing (p. 160-1)

The next aspect of losing well is to “look back” after you let go. After the hope of something is relinquished and the defeat is embraced, the reasons for the loss are examined, understood and learned from. If the person does that before moving on to another venture of the same kind, then the loss will not have to be repeated (p. 162).
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To sit with failure and loss, and understand it, process it, and grieve it before going on, takes depth of character.

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source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Ready, Aim & Fire

If you have not read the book, Integrity, by Henry Cloud, I encourage you to buy it as an investment in yourself, in your growth and success. The new academic year has started and I have a heavy teaching load this semester. Thus, my reading pace will slow down considerably over the next few months. I am still at Chapter Nine, in which Cloud introduced the concept of Ready, Aim & Fire.

photos: Boalsburg, USA (2007)

Being ready means that someone is prepared and able. You can have a great opportunity coming along, and if you jumped in unprepared, or unable to complete it for whatever reason, you will fail. … Another aspect of being ready has to do with “sharpening the saw”, training, doing, self-maintenance, etc. Getting oneself “ready” may mean training, learning, changing, revamping, restructuring, or a host of other things. But the winners are ready before the game. Long-term high achievers are ... prepared (p. 150).

Aim has to do with focus. It has to do with purposeful, goal-oriented action that knows where the energy and resources are being spent and therefore spent well. A lot of people spend a lot of energy working, but their character is so scattered that they never focus on particular goals and outcomes and keep on tract to get there.

A linear path requires the character to say no to impulses and wishes to do other things, to say no to new opportunities that may be good but are not best. Some people’s makeup is such that they still think they can have everything, and as a result, they achieve nothing. They are all over the place. If you were to focus, or aim, and direct all of that energy and talent toward specific, particular goals, they would succeed (p. 150-1).

• He get sidetracked because he refuses to acknowledge that if you want to do A, you cannot do B. In the end, neither one gets the attention they need (p.151).


• Reality is that time, energy, and resources are finite. Focus is about directing those in a way in which enough of each is given so that things happen (p. 152)
  

Fire means that the person is actually able to pull the trigger. She can, after getting ready and getting focused, go for it. She is not risk-aversive, if the risk makes sense. A lot of preparation has gone into the plunge so that risk is minimized. That is the difference between investment and gambling. You cannot really prepare for rolling the dice. It is going to come out the way it is going to come out, and other than researching the odds, that is really all you can do. But an investment risk is jumping into the water after you have found out that it is not poison, toxic, or polluted (p. 152).

To finally be able to jump is important. Some people, even after intelligent evaluation of risks, do not like to sow. They are afraid to put the seed on the ground and trust the process. They can’t see the seed, and what if it doesn’t rain this year? It is just too scary for their character - Henry Cloud (p. 152).

Focus on Your Talent

People do well when they do what they do well and stay away from what they do poorly. Is that not common sense?

- Henry Cloud (p. 144).

photo: Tamarind (Asam Jawa) tree @ Botanical Garden, S'pore

The above statement by Henry Cloud in his book, Integrity, reminds me of an incident during my sabbatical in the US. I was speaking to a very successful researcher in the field of real estate & urban economics and shared with him that one of my goals during my sabbatical was to work on an area of weakness. His advice to me, "to excel in my research, I should concentrate on my strength (not on my weakness) and work with someone who can complement my skill set."

photo: tamarind fruit
According to Henry Cloud, some people are incredible number twos, and lousy number ones. They could be a star in one role, and a washout in the other. Their character will dictate where they end up... He added that humility is not self-deprecating, but real and honest. When someone is who he or she really is and does not act as if he or she is more than he is, that is not arrogance, but secure identity. Out of that security, competent action flows and results happen (p. 146).

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Because these kinds of people are humble enough to know what they are not good at, they do not think they are something they are not and try to operate in those areas. Therefore, they perform poorly less often.

photo: tamarind flower

Entrepreneurs who are successful often learn early on that they are poor managers. So, they begin things and then turn them to people better at operations than themselves and avoid losing the value that they have created. And managers who do not fool themselves into thinking that they are creative visionaries do not step out into nothingness and lose everything.

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Successful people stick to what they are good at and find ways to make that larger. Usually, that involves surrounding themselves with people who are good at the areas they do not possess…,

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"not only do they get the right people on the bus, but they have them sitting in the right seats on the bus." (p. 146-7)

The Missing Ingredient

photo: Chempedak Fruit Tree @ Botanical Garden, Singapore (2009)

A lot of people know the “what” of the work. They know the facts, the processes, what to do, and even how to do the work itself. They know as much, or more, about it than others. But, they do not produce impressive results. They are not the huge performers. You may even have wondered that about yourself, as well. You know what to do, and you work hard at it, but others for some strange reasons seem to do more or better than you. Sometime you do not understand why... Henry Cloud, Integrity (p. 141-2)

What is the missing ingredient? What could you be doing differently to make it work? Why do the ones who do better do better? Certainly there are various factors to bring good results, some outside our control. Markets change, economies fluctuate, and other things happen. Sometime it just seems indecipherable why success comes to one person, project, product, or enterprise and not another. (p. 142)

But over the long haul, luck and flukes aside, there is a method to the madness. There are “ways” that high producers, those who get results, operate. There are patterns to the ways that they behave, think, and relate that they tend to have in common. And just like everything else we have seen so far, these have more to do with the ways they are “glued together” as people than “what they know.”

It has to do with the character that meets the demands of reality. People who are constructed in certain way tend to get more results and work in different ways from those who just “work hard”... In over 20 years of consulting with leaders and organizations, I have observed that most people know what to do in their field. But, the ones who do well, do the what in a different way from those who don’t, and it has to do with who they are as people than what they know.

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All things being equal, character wins! (p. 142).

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Truth Seekers

Henry Cloud, in his book Integrity, wrote "every human has faults, weaknesses, delusions, distortions, emotions that are not totally mature, lapses in judgment, and many other things that can cause problems. As we grow, those decrease as we mature, but we will always have some. That is inescapable". (p. 123). He also highlighted one key difference between high achievers and those who are not. In his words,

"high achievers face reality and deal with it. Those who don’t, avoid reality in some way or have aspects to their character that keeps them out of touch with it. Many times, this is more for comfort sake. It is difficult to see what really is, and to live with it. We feel better when we can make it not so, in some form or fashion. We attribute the truth of our performance to some outside influence, as to say, “It wasn’t me”. (p. 107).

photos: Litchfield, USA (Sep 07)

Reality seekers have the humility to go in and not assume that they had it all figured out and instead to seek to find out what reality was. People who have an orientation to the truth seek it out. They look for it and do everything they can to find it so that they know where they stand, what steps to take, etc. They basically see reality as their best ally, so finding it becomes of utmost importance (p. 113).

The winners ask. They sometimes hire people to help them see it. They value feedback from others about themselves, knowing that they themselves have blind spots…. If we are afraid of truth about ourselves and have a character ‘stance’ to hide, then we are headed in the wrong direction, away from reality (pp. 118-9).

… I give you 100% permission to be totally honest with me in answering this question” “what is it like to be on the other end of me? … Even if it means facing up to some painful news, he or she sees the result as positive. Only through finding out this kind of reality do we know our true strengths and weaknesses. Top performers rely on that knowledge. They major in their strength and protect themselves from their weaknesses. But without knowing reality about ourselves, we often don’t even know what those are. And knowing one’s strengths and weaknesses can be the difference between success and failure (p. 117).

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The interesting thing about this kind of people is the hunger they have for finding out what is true. They are different from people who are honest but do not take steps to find out more of what reality is. A lot of people are not in denial when reality comes and knocks on their door. They are able to acknowledge it and not resist it. But, they are basically passive about it, not active. The kind of people I am taking about here go after reality as if their lives depend on it. They have to find it (p. 113).

They don’t only wait for others to give them feedback, they also go after it themselves. They desire it and see it as an opportunity to grow… The good ones want to know the reality of who they are and are in tune with the fact that we do not see ourselves accurately. They “seek” out this knowledge in a variety of ways: commissioning feedback projects, submitting themselves to a mentor, accountability group, etc. But when they do, they are not looking for flattery. They are looking for reality. They ask others to tell them what they see (p. 116).

“Give me your last 10%” – People tend to hold back on feedback that might be difficult for someone to hear and do not always express their full critique of someone’s performance… we need to develop a culture of characters who desire to hear the last 10% (p. 120). To do that requires character hunger for the truth.

It is a paradox of life that the less we look at our shortcomings, the more others do. The extent that we are in denial is usually the extent to which others are staring at us, saying “what is his problem?”

The less we look at ourselves, the more others have to.
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source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

In Touch with Reality

In his book Integrity, Henry Cloud tells of a story about a dog food company that hit hard times. Sales were bad, and not getting better. The CEO had begun the company and was very attached to its performance. When things were going the wrong way, he was not happy. Being the decisive type that he was, he decided to take action. So, he fired the outside advertising firm that did all of the national campaigns.

photo: Chesapeake Bay, 2007

The company geared up for the new branding push, new packaging, a new look, and even a new model on the bag. Certainly great things were in store. But, when the numbers came in, they were about the same. The CEO was more angry. Another inept advertising firm had failed him. What to do? Get rid of them and find me a good one this time! He ordered his team. “No more losers. We are spending too much in advertising to let this happen again!”

They moved quickly, hired the best, and launched with great expectations. Certainly, this one would do the tricks. New displays in retail space, samples left in pet stores and on doorsteps, treats were given out at parks where people walk their dogs. No stone was left unturned in the dog world. They were going to know about this food. No dog left behind.

Then, the first quarter returns came in with the new thrust. No gains. Sales were the same. The CEO made another move, this time more drastic. He fired his marketing department and replaced them with the best and the brightest. Now finally, all the incompetence was eliminated. No more losers inside or outside the company.

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A new start. The new team put together the new plan and executed it viciously. When the numbers came in, no one was happy. There were basically the same as they had been for the previous few years. No gains. The CEO called a meeting. He wanted to know who was responsible for this. Someone was not doing his job, he said, and he wanted to know who. Find him and get me someone who can make this work was his message.

Right in the middle of the meeting as he was breaking down delivery schedules in supply chains, space allocation in stores, demographics, and pricing of the advertising focus and other execution issues, a young somewhat quiet, non-assuming little manager raised his hand, “Sir, may I say something?” he said. “Yes, Jones. What is it?” the CEO inquired, a little thrown off by the interruption.

“Sir… the dog don’t like it.”

Jones said. The room was quiet for what seemed like a long time as the CEO just looked at Jones. (pages 99-100). For some reason, the CEO could not see that it was not the marketing. It was the dog food (p. 108).

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What is the moral of this story?

(1) Marketing is important - If you are in the dog food business, you are not going to make money with the best dog food in the world if no one knows about it, as our CEO above reasoned. You have to have some way of marketing it and telling the world how to find it. Chances are that if you have no marketing ability, then by the time word of mouth got around the country, your capital costs would overtake the timeline and you would be out of business. You are better off if a lot of people know quickly in order to get the critical mass, or “tipping point.” So, if your marketing is poor, then you have to see that reality so you can fire the marketing person and get the job done.

(2) But, what if the reality is that your marketing is the best in the world, but your dog food is horrible? - Better marketing only gets you more disappointed dogs and actually puts you further behind than if you sold less, because your brand is getting trashed. They have tried you and moved on. The substance, not the packaging, is ultimately most critical.

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In sum, it is much better to know that your food tastes bad to Fido and fix that before you get it out to the world. Then, you are standing in and on reality, which is the only place that good things happen (p. 105-6).

People of Grace

"People of grace leave others better off than how they found them, even when they were getting nothing in return"

- Henry Cloud (p. 84).

photo: SDE, NUS

In his book Integrity, Henry Cloud shared that we can divided character’s ability to trust & be trustworthy into 3 categories:

1. Paranoid – this kind of person just doesn’t see trust as an option and can do OK, as long as things are going well. But, these people typically do not extend themselves to others in the kinds of giving and vulnerability because they feel as if everyone will come back to get them. Somehow they will “get screwed in the end,” they feel. “No good turn goes unpunished” could be their motto, and when something goes wrong, they instantly get into retaliatory more (p. 81).

2. Fair - These types desire trust and good relationships and treat people well, as long as they are being treated well. And they do not turn mole hills into mountain or read paranoid meanings into innocent mistakes. They are pretty forgiving and can solve problem. They will do wonderful things as well and can be quite giving to people who are doing well to them. They give as long as they are receiving, and things are mutual. They truly are “for” the ones who are “for” them. In the sense, they are people who “play fair” – “you treat me well, and I will treat you well” seems to be the rule that they live by. But if something truly does go wrong, or even less than going wrong, is not equal or mutual in some way, then they cry foul, and their good treatment of others stops. They are not being stroked, so they are not going to stroke.

3. Grace - True trust comes when we realize that another’s goodness, and being for my best interest, is not dependent on anything. It is just a part of that person’s integrity. It is who that person is, the kind of person who wants the best for others and will do whatever he or she can bring that about. Then, there is nothing to fear. If I mess up, you will be there for me. That doesn’t mean that you are going to ignore my failures, by any measure. You may even do an intervention, or something strong to get me to face my lack of performance. But, you will still have my best interests in mind, and that will be your motivation. As a result, I can trust your intervention and be helped.

In leadership, this means that you are for your people to do well, and to become all that they can be. It also means that you do things “for” them that are “unmerited” and help them get there. And the truth is that this kind of person never really initiates being “against” anyone, unless that person is doing something to harm him or others. At that point, the person will take a stand to end the destruction, but even that kind of stand is against the destructiveness.

Source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Invalidation

For the most part, life involves people. That is obvious in the sphere of relationships, such as friendship, family, marriage, and community. But, we are often unaware of how big the people part is in getting work done well. It is just as vital. So, if your character is going to meet the demands of reality, it is going to have to be able to negotiate the world of people. And that can only be done successfully through connectedness. Connecting with others in a way that makes them feel understood and valued is the key to life and the basis of building trust and loyalty. From that base, everything else works. To do that requires the kind of character that is oriented toward others and makes proactive connections with them in a way that builds bonds (p. 73).

"The human heart will seek to be known, understood and connected with above all else. If you do not connect, the ones you care about will find someone who will." - Henry Cloud

In his book Integrity, Henry Cloud asked "If entering into another person’s reality, validating it, and treating it with respect builds connection, what destroys it? The exact opposite: Invalidation. When your experience is all that exists to you, invalidation occurs when you negate the other person’s experience, treating it as somehow not real or non-existent. (p. 63).

Some leaders are afraid to validate if they disagree, because they fear it sounds as if they are giving credibility to something they know is not right. But that is not the issue. Of course, communication is often about persuasion and bringing one person around to another different perspective. To empathize and validate what someone is experiencing does not mean that you always agree or even think that the other person is right. It just means that you see it as valid in that it is really their experience, and true for that person, and you show them that you understand what they are thinking and feeling. And that comes from seeing and caring about another person’s heart, and communicating that, whether or not you agree. You must connect first.... But other times it means that if you did connect with it, you would learn from the other person as well and may even change what you feel about it. That is how communicating helps us to know the other person and thereby enlarge our understanding about reality. (p. 64).

The sad thing is that most times the people who invalidate other people’s experience are not aware that they are doing something destructive. In fact, they often think they are helping… we have all seen those instances where someone has say something negative like “I’m such a loser,” and someone immediately comes back with “Don’t say that! You don’t really feel that way!” or some other attempt to help that only drives the person further into hopelessness. The reason is that he now has two problems instead of one. He has the initial problem that he felt so negative about, and then he feels that he is all alone and has no one who really understands. That is why people who try to help others by talking them out what they fell are usually no help at all. It is also the reason why research has for decades proven that you can help desperate people immensely by giving them no answers at all, and only giving them empathy (p. 66).

In summary, connection and trust happen when one heart meets another. Invalidation, on the other hand, wipes out the other heart and closes it off…

source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Careless Trust

In his book, Integrity, Henry Cloud shared that one of the Hebrew words that means ‘trust’ has the association he liked most when thinking of what ‘trust’ actually means.

To trust means to be careless. It means that you do not have to worry about how to “take care” of yourself with that person, because he is going to be worried about that too. It means that you do not have to “guard” yourself with her, because she is going to be concerned with what is good for you and what is not good for you. You do not have to “watch your back” with him, because he is going to be watching it for you (p. 77).

photo: Frankfurt (Jun 09)

In other words, the supreme essence of trust is not being “guarded”. This type of trust can only be developed over time as the other party recognizes that their interests were being lookedout for even when they are not looking.

According to Henry, incredible things happen when two parties “let down their guard” with each other. They get open, creative, take risks, learn from each other, and deliver fruit in whatever their endeavor to a much more leveraged degree that if they were in the protected mode. This happens in personal relationships, such as marriage, friendship, or parenting, and in business as well. To get to everything that can come from two people’s hearts, minds, and souls, you have to get to openness and vulnerability. You have to have access. And access is only given as trust increases (p. 79-80).

When access builds, more is given. But, once you know the person, trust goes to a whole different level when you both figure out that the other is “for” you and not “against” you or even indifferent even when you are not watching (p. 80).

source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Connection

"In work, in marriage, in parenting, in friendship, in business, connection happens when one person has a true emotional investment in the other, and the other person experiences that and it is returned. To do that requires the character that gets out of oneself long enough to know, experience, and value the “other”… It has to be done in a way that the “other” can experience it. - Henry Cloud (p. 57).

photo: Munich (Jun 09)

People feel cared about, and trust is built, when they know that we have a genuine interest in knowing about them.

Connection, fundamentally, is the experience by one person that another is invested in him or her. It begins in infancy, when a baby comes to life as its mother involves herself in its being and existence. What he or she feels and experience matters, and a bond is built. That continues throughout childhood, and kids who grow up with deep connection are the ones who grow up secure, and most able to deal with life. What we forget, though, is that connectedness is important not just for babies, but all the way through life (p. 57).

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Detachment is the opposite of connection. It is whereby a person is a kind of island unto him- or herself. Not to be confused with being introverted, detachment is about not crossing the space to actually enter into another person’s world through the curiosity and desire to know them, understand them, to be ‘with’ them, to be present with them, and ultimately to care for them. Sadly, a lot of loving & nice people are detached in this way, and their relationships suffer for it (p. 56).
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What Builds Connection?
Empathy - the ability to enter into another person’s experience and connect with it in such a way that you actually experience to some degree what the other person is experiencing. It is “as if” you are the other person, at least for a moment. Empathy comes from the Greek words meaning “in” and “feeling.” It is as if you are ‘in the feeling’ of the other (p. 58).

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Connecting with others in a way that makes them feel understood and valued is the key to life and the basis of building trust and loyalty. From that base, everything else works. To do that requires the kind of character that is oriented toward others and makes proactive connections with them in a way that builds bonds (p. 73).

source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Gaining Trust

What is so special about friendship? TRUST, according to Charles Kingsley and Ralph Waldo Emerson. "A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and loves us in spite of all our faults" - Charles Kingsley.

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it's the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friend." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

But how do you gain people’s trust? According to Henry Cloud, "if you are going to get them to come with you in your final decision, and trust you, you have to understand where they are and join them in that place first…. people are not going to get in the car with somebody they don’t trust or don’t fell understand them. We trust people who we think hear us, understand us, and are able to empathize with our realities as well as their own. That is why the abilities to connect and trust are so intertwined." - H. Cloud (pp. 52-53).

photo: stokholm, sweden (june 09)

Trust, in the end, is about the heart, and someone making an investment in you from his or her heart. And if you gain people’s trust, their heart, then you also have their desire and passion. Heart, desire and passion all go together. Without one, you don’t have the other. That is why some leaders only get compliance, but can’t capture their people’s best efforts… But the good ones capture the other people’s will, their true desire, through connecting with them first (p. 53).

photo: stockholm, sweden (jun 09)

Application: In marriage, how far will a spouse go for someone who makes no attempt to understand and connect with where he or she is and what he or she is experiencing in the relationship? As time goes by, less and less. The love begins to wane, and the passion fails to fuel the commitment as it once did. That is when they get into danger if they do not have a deeper desire to live out their values and commitments over and above how they feel… BUT,

if some feels understood, and connect with, it is a whole different story. (p. 54)

Source: Henry Cloud, Integrity - the courage to meet demands of reality

Integrity

"It's not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that make us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity." - Francis Bacon, Sr

(English lawyer and philosopher, 1561-1626)

photo: Nuremberg, Germany (Jun 09)

On my recent travel, I read a book "Integrity" on ethical issues in business. It was refreshing and I highly recommend it. I wanted to write share some thoughts from the book but when I googled to research the author's background etc., I came across an excellent review on the book by Alan L. Chase on the Amazon website.

Dr Henry Cloud, who is a clinical psychologist, anchors his thoughts in the real world of clients he has consulted with in helping them to address very real and concrete business issues that have deep roots in issues of ethics and integrity. Dr. Cloud makes it clear that "integrity," as he uses the term, is much more than mere "honesty." Throughout the book he parses and elucidates six essential qualities and character traits that lead to success in the business world. He describes the kind of character that . . .

1) Creates and maintains trust

2) Is able to see and face reality

3) Works in a way that brings results

4) Embraces negative realities and solves them

5) Causes growth and increase

6) Achieves transcendence and meaning in life

"You will see how these character traits supercede gifts, talents and ability, and how the ones who have them succeed and the ones who don't, ultimately fail." (Page xii)

In talking with a wealthy businessman who is a personal friend, Dr. Cloud heard his friend comment on how he chooses to invest his money in businesses. "I did not invest in those businesses. I invested in the people. I never invest in businesses I don't know anything about, but I will invest in a person. If I know their character, their history, how they operate, what kind of judgment they have, what kinds of risks are acceptable to them, how they execute, and things like that, and I know them well, I will invest. But I don't buy businesses I don't know anything about." (Pages 29-30)

Early in this book, Dr. Cloud gives us his expanded definition of integrity as it applies to the business world:

"And, the origins of the word we can see in the French and Latin meanings of intact, integrate, integral and entirety. The concept means that the `whole thing is working well, undivided, integrated, intact and uncorrupted.' When we are talking about integrity, we are talking about being a whole person, an integrated person, with all of our different parts working well and delivering the functions that they were designed to deliver. It is about wholeness and effectiveness as people. It truly is `running on all cylinders.'" (Page 31)

The author offers a very clear and helpful metaphor for the type of impact that this kind of person of integrity has on the lives of those with whom she or he interacts. Dr. Cloud posits that each of us, as we move through the waters of life, leave behind a wake, like that left by ships as they pass through the ocean. There are two aspects to the "wake" that we leave behind - the tasks we have performed and the relationships we have built.

source: internet photo

"We leave a wake of people behind us as we move though their lives and their organizations. . . So, we must ask ourselves, `What does that wake look like?' Are a lot of people out there water-skiing on the wake, smiling, having a great time for our having `moved through their lives'? Or are they are there bobbing for air, bleeding, and left wounded as shark bait?" (Page 18)

What Kind of Force?
One of the words that is close to character or integrity in meaning is the Hebrew word that is translated “virtue”. If you trace its origins and meanings, one of the meanings is a “force”. Someone of virtue is a force, and a force always leaves a result. When a hurricane comes through a town, you can see the results of its force. When the wind moves across the water, or through the trees, you can see the results of its force.

Likewise, when you move through life, through your company or organization, through your career, and through your relationships, your character is going to be a “force.” The question is “What kind of force is it going to be?” Will it be one of virtue, where you deliver the goods? When you bring energy and force of character to a goal or project, will the force bring about the fruit? When you bring energy and force to a relationship, will there be a good result? So, the goal here is to develop these aspects of character that have such promise that a smart investor would write checks for millions to someone who possesses them, not even knowing a lot about the nature of the business itself. That can be you and your team (Page 41).

reflection: If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters. ~Alan Simpson

Source: Dr Henry Cloud (2006), integrity – the courage to meet the demands of reality.

Sweden: Stockholm

" If I had to call one European city home, it might be Stockholm. One-third water, one-third parks, one-third city, on the sea, surrounded by woods, bubbling with energy and history, Sweden's stunning capital is green, clean and underrated." - Rick Stein

June 24-28: The last leg of our vacation. I will be presenting a research paper at the real estate conference organized by the European Real Estate Society.

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Stockholm is built on an archipelago of islands connected by bridges. Its location midway along the Baltic Sea made it a natural port, vital to the economy and security of the Swedish peninsula. Today, with 1.8 million people, Stockholm is Sweden's largest city, as well as its cultural, educational, and media center.

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For the visitors, Stockholm offers both old and new. Crawl through Europe's best-preserved old warship and relax on a scenic harbor boat tour. Browse the cobbles and antique shops of the lantern-lit Old Town. Take a trip in time at Skansen, Europe's first and best open-air folk museum. Marvel at Stockholm's glittering City Hall, slick shopping mall, and art museums.

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Overall, we find Stockholm an expensive tourist destination. It seems like everyone is out to earn a profit from tourists. Some examples being: shopkeepers charging extra for stamps (above the face value of the stamp, for service charge?), public toilet entrance fee (approx S$1-2), tap water with a thin slice of lemon in it (S$2) & short subway ride ($5-$8 per trip). At one place (Katarina elevator), we were amuse to find a charge of S$2 to ride the lift (not more than 8 levels). Below are photos we took during our trip.

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Source: Risk Stein's Scandinavia

Germany: Frankfurt

June 23-24: Our fourth and final stop in Germany. A thriving industrial metropolis, Frankfurt is Germany's 5th largest city.

If all roads used to lead to Rome, today they seem to converge on Frankfurt, making it the hub of a great network of European traffic routes. Most international flights land at Frankfurt's huge airport, and its massive 19th-century railway station is the busiet in Europe. Frankfurt is a heavily industrial city, with more than 2,450 factories operating around the Furt (ford) of the Main River. As the home of the Bundersbank, Germany's central bank, Frankfurt is also the country's financial center.

We are staying at Hotel am Dom, which is located directly next to Frankfurt's largest chuch within the boundaries of the historic old own. Room with breakfast is Euro 90 a night. We have arranged to meet Anna and Christoph, a student and her boyfriend, who stays in Frankfurt.

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We will be spending a night here. Tomorrow, we take our connecting flight to Stockhom, Sweden.

source: Frommer's Germany 2009

Germany: Nuremberg

June 22-23: Our third stop in Germany is Nurnberg, or Nuremberg in English. It is 170 km north of Munich. Situated on the river of Pergnitz, Nuremberg is not only a paradise for lovers of its famous gingerbread and sausages, it is also the symbol of Germany's history.

photo: the red sandstone buildings and mostly Gothic architecture were really charming, and the city walls surrounding the old town still remain.

History: The earliest records of the town, the second largest in Bavaria, date drom 1050 when it was a trading settlement. From 1219, Nuremberg was an important centre of craft and commerce. Its most rapid development took place in the 15th and 16th centuries, when many prominent artists, craftsmen and intellectuals worked here, making Nuremberg one of the cultural centres of Europe.

For centuries, Nuremberg was the unofficial capital of the Holy Roman Empire and the preferred residence of German kings, who kept their crown jewels here. However, most people today still connect Nuremberg with the Nazis. Below are a slideshow of the pictures we took in Nuremberg.

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Accommodation: We stayed at Probst-Garni Hotel. According to the Lonely Planet travel guidebook, it is a pleasant, family-run outfit in the old centre. It is also near the train station, which is convenient as we are only staying one night in Nuremberg. The hotel, however, has no website for internet booking or communication by e-mail. A German friend helped to book the room by phone. The cost is Euro 70 per night. Note however that in Europe, most of the red light districts are located in close proximity of the train station.

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Nazi era: Nuremberg held great significance during the Nazi Germany era. Because of the city's position in the centre of Germany, the Nazi Party chose the city to be the site of huge and fanatical Nazi Party conventions – the Nuremberg rallies. The rallies were held annually from 1927 to 1938 in Nuremberg. After Hitler's rise to power in 1933 the Nuremberg rallies became huge state propaganda events, a center of Nazi ideals. At the 1935 rally, Hitler specifically ordered the Reichstag to convene at Nuremberg to pass the infamous anti-Semitic Nuremberg Laws which revoked German citizenship for all Jews.

source: Eyewitness Travel Germany; wikipedia; Lonely Planet, Germany

Germany: Munich

June 20-22: Our second stop in Germany. Munich, the capital city of Bavaria is sometimes called "Germany's secret capital". It is located on the River Isar, north of the Bavarian Alps. With its vibrant cosmopolitan atmosphere, fine buildings, museums and shops, it is one of the country's most popular tourist destinations.

Munich, with 1.36 million inhabitants, is the 3rd largest city in Germany, after Berlin and Hamburg. The German pronunciation for Munich is "Munchen", which is derived from the Old German word for Mönche, which means "Monks" in English. The reason for naming the city in such a manner is to honour the fact that monks of the Benedictine order founded the city. This is also the reason for the monk depicted on the city's coat of arms.

Munchen, which is situated within sight of the Alps, is a handsome city, happily combining metropolitan facilities and sophisticated lifestyle with a small-town, homey atmosphere, symbolized to perfection by its smoky beer halls and cheerful beer gardens. Visitors come here in huge numbers for the gargantuan Oktoberfest.

We are staying at Hotel Jedermann (http://www.hotel-jedermann.de/), recommended in the Lonely Planet book, which wrote, "this renovated hotel with English-speaking staff is excellent value, with small but quite comfortable rooms." Eyewitness Travel's Top 10 Munich added that the budget hotel is one of the most popular hotels in Germany. Most of the 55 rooms overlook a bright courtyard. Owned and operated by the Jenke family for 40 years, their dedication shows in the level of service enjoyed by their guests. A double-room inclusive of breakfast-buffet costs Euro 85 per night. There is also free wireless internet access in the room.

source: wikipedia; National Geographic Traveler (Germany).