The Art of Marriage

A GOOD marriage must be created.

In the marriage, the little things are the big things...

It is never being too old to hold hands.

It is remembering to say, "I love you" at least once each day,

It is never going to sleep angry.

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.

It is standing together and facing the world.

It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.

It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.

It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.

It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.

It is common search for the good and the beautiful.

It is not only marrying the right person.

It is being the right partner.

Strike the Original Match

Four-year old Suzie had just been told the story Snow White for the first time in her life. She could hardly wait to get home from the nursery school to tell her mommy. With wide-eyed excitement, she retold the fairy tale to her mother that afternoon. After relating how Prince Charming had arrived on his beautiful white horse and kissed Snow White back to life, Suzie asked loudly, "And do you know what happened then?".

"Yes," said her mom, "they lived happily ever after". "No", responded Suzie, with a frown, "they got married."

.

In childlike innocence, that little nursery schooler spoke the in-depth truth without realizing it.

Getting married and living happily ever after are not necessarily synonymous.

"The honeymoon is over... dream lie broken and scattered... there is nothing left of the relationship once was. The duet has become a duel. The smiles and laughter that once made coming home sheer ecstasy have turned into lonely stares and sighs of dissappointment. The magic is gone. Nothing is left in its place except cold mental mirrors reflecting yesterday's sunshine that today has been eclipsed." - Swindoll

photo: Langkawi, Malaysia (1992)

Recently, I have been reading a book by one of my favorite Christian authors - Charles Swindoll. The book is entitled, Strike the Original Match - Rekindle the Fire in Your Marriage and Keep it Burning.

Essentially, this is a bliblical book on marriage. This book is all about offering a strong challenge to those who are willing to get down to business and let the Bible strike the original match as they and their partner glean God's timeless truth to help them rekindle that fire.You don't have to be told which option many married couples are choosing today. Chances are good you yourself have entertained the thought of selling out. It's certainly easier to bail out than to work through.

photo: Blk 352 Choa Chu Kang Central (our first home)

In the book, Swindoll said "a marriage is a lot like our house." While new it sparkles. Fresh smells, fun surprises, and new discoveries make each day a snap, crackle, and pop. Sure there's work to be done, but the newness takes away the hassle. As time passes, however, things change.

.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the grit of responsibility mixed with the grind of routine starts to take its toll. Who hasn't experience it? ... the dreams fade into the misty memories of "the way we were," introducing to us the nightmarish and fearful feelings of "the way it is".

photo: our current home in Hillview

Proverbs: By wisdom, a house is built. And by understanding, it is established; And by knowledge, the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches (Proverbs 24:3-4).

Three truths to help us find fulfillment in our marriage: wisdom, understanding, and knowledge. Without these at work in our relationship, we will lack protection... as out own marriage will be weakened and ultimately lose its fire. Wisdom is seeing with discernment, Understanding is responding with insight, and Knowledge is learning with perception.

.source: Swindoll, Strike the Original Match

The Good Fight

We need to cultivate politeness in our marriage:

"One of the sad facts of close relationship is that we treat the ones we love worse than we treat just about anyone else. We are more likely to hurl insults at our marriage partner than any other person in our lives. We are even more polite to acquitances than we are to our mates."

- Parrott & Parrott

.photos: Whistler, Canada (2006)

One of the major tasks of marriage is learning what can and should be changed (habits of nagging, for eg.) and what should be overlooked. We know how easy it is to criticize one's mate. Successful couples resolve conflict without leaving scars, because they learned to fight a good fight by sticking closely to the following rules.

1) Don't run from strife: Repressed irritations have a high rate of resurrection. Happy couples may disagree vehemently, but they don't shut their partners out. When one spouse brings up an issue, the other listens attentively. From time to time, the listener will paraphrase what the other says to make sure the message is understood.

2) Choose your battle carefully: Love may be blind, but for many partners marriage is a magnifying glass. Some couples can't seem to find a relaxed, reasonably efficient way of figuring out how to settle differences as small as which movie to see or whose friends to visit.

.

We ourselves have done our fair share of yupping about minor infractions, but we've also learned not to sweat the small stuff. This simple advice can keep you from ruining a Friday evening or even an entire vacation. So before you gripe about the way your partner made the bed or cleared the table, ask yourself if it's worth it.

3) Define the issue clearly: When you feel the tension rising, ask each other to define clearly what the fight is about until bother of you understand the issue. Marital battle become habitual if the source of conflict is not identified, but once couples define the issue, they can be more up front about what is really bugging them. And once the conflict is clearly defined, it often takes care of itself. Address the question, "what are we really quarelling about?" and "what is the real source of our disagreement?"

4) State your feelings directly: One party may be more expressive than the other. In other words, one person may articulate his or her feelings more quickly and more intensely than the other. And this imbalance can cause problems time and again because what is important to one person may not be very important at all. A simple technique to express your feelings is to use the following rating of the intensity of your feelings:

.

.

1. I'm not enthuasiatic, but it's no big deal to me.

2. I don't see it the way, but I may be wrong.

3. I don't agree, but I can live with it.

4. I don't agree, but I'll let you have your way.

5. I don't agree and cannot remain silent on this.

6. I do not approve, and I need more time.

7. I strongly disapprove and cannot go along with it.

8. I will be seriously upset I can't predict my reaction.

9. No possible way! If you do, I quit!

10.Over my dead body!

.

Anytime a heated exchange occurs, a couple can take simply pull this list out and rank the depth of their disagreement ("This is a three for me." "It's a five for me"). By rating their conflict, they can play a level field when one person is more expressive than the other.

.

5) Give up Put-Downs: Unhappy couples turn every spat into a slippery slope of one unkind word that leads to another. Put-downs are especially lethal when they attack an Achilles' heel. Two universal examples are sexual performance and parents. It is tricky enough, in life's mellowest moments, to discuss sexual dissatisfaction with a mate; but to use it in an argument is a rotten idea. And even though we are allowed to criticize our own parents, it's dirty pool for a spouse to be doing it.

6) End the Fight: Refocus the exchange when it gets off course. Stick close to the issues. Calm down ("Let's take a break. We're both too upset to discuss this reasonably right now). It is not how you get into arguments, but how you exit them.

Remember the song, "sorry seems to be the hardest word to say"? At the recent marriage breakthrough weekend, the pastor reminded us that in an argument, both parties are usually at fault, although the apportionment of fault may not be 50-50. Regardless of who is more at fault, the husband should exercise leadership by taking the first step to end the fight by saying to his wife,

.

"I was wrong (not I am sorry) ... Will you forgive me?"

source: Dr Les Parrott II & Dr Leslie Parrott "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" in Do You Know How to Fight a Good Fight?

The Ugly Fight

"We seem to have our biggest argument in public... Many couples find themselves bickering on a regular basis over just about anything - no issue is too small, or too big, to spar over." - Les Parrott III & Leslie Parrot

photo: Bath, England (1997)

Misunderstanding is a natural part of marriage. No matter how deeply a man and a woman love each other, they will eventually have conflict. It is simply unrealistic to expect that both people will always want the same thing at the same time. Conflict in marriage is inevitable. In fact, the absence of fight does not augur well for most marriages. Unresolved, unhandled conflict & supression of anger, act as a cancer that erodes the passion, intimacy, and commitment of marriage.

Many couples however don't know how to handle conflict. Parrott & Parrott state that for couples who know how to work it out, conflict can actually lead to a depeening sense of intimacy - the trick is knowing how to argue. Being in love, is in fact, a very poor indicator of which couples will stay married. Far more important to the survival of marriage, research shows, is how well couples handle disagreements.

photo: State College, US (2008)

What couples fight about: So what are the torny issues that cause couples to battle each other? Money? Sex? in-laws? Not always. It generally takes very little for the fur to fly in most marriages. It's the minor, almost embarrassing problems that tear at the fabric of marriage. Couples simply bickered about things that didn't really matter.

Beware of four disastorous ways of interacting that will sabotage your attempts to resolve conflict constructively: (1) criticism, (2) contempt, (3) defensiveness, and (4) stonewalling.

(1) Criticism: there may not seem to be much difference between complaining and criticizing, but there is. Criticism involves attacking someone's personality rather than his behavior. As a general rule, criticism entails blaming, making a personal attack or an accusation, while a complaint is a negative comment about something you wish were otherwise. Complaints usually begin with the word I, and criticisms with the word you.

(2) Contempt: will poison a relationship. What separates contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Contempt is aimed at the heart of a person and ends up destabilizing the relationship and causing pain. Some of the most common expressions of contempts are name-calling, hostile humor, and mockery.

(3) Defensiveness: If you are being bombarded by insults, the natural inclination is to defend yourself: "It's not my fault." Defensiveness tend to escalate a conflict rather than resolve it.

(4) Stonewalling: Often the husband may eventually stopped responding, even defensively, to her accusations. She would scream, "you never say anything... you just sit there. It's like talking to a brick wall." He usually didn't react at all - on some occasions, he might shrug his shoulders, as if to say, "I can't get anywhere with you, so why try?"

Most stonewallers are men. Feeling overwhelmed by emotions, they start withdrawing by presenting a "stone wall" response. They try to keep their faces immobile, avoid eye contact, hold their necks rigid, and avoid nodding their heads or making the small sounds that would indicate they are listening. Stonewallers often claim they not are trying to make things worse, but they do not seem to realize that stonewalling itself is a very powerful act - it conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness.

.

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-27).

.

source: Dr Les Parrott III and Dr Leslie Parrot, "Do You Know How to Fight A Good Fight?", from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.

His No 1 Need: Admiration

"While criticism causes men to become defensive, admiration energizes and motivates them. A man expects - and needs - his wife to be his most enthusiastic fan. He draws confidence from her support and can usually achieve far more with her encouragement." - W.F. Harvey (p. 157)

photo: Venice, Italy (1999)

There's nothing more powerful, yet more unrecognized than the power of words. We tend to take our words for granted. We frequently forget that our words can have great impact on both the lives of our own and of others.

photo: Rome, Italy (1999)

Whilst the No. 1 need of wives (women) is affection, a man simply thrives on a woman's admiration. A woman needs to appreciate her husband for what he already is, not for what he could become (if he lived up to her standards). When she tells him that she appreciates him for what he had done, it gives him more satisfaction than he receives from his paycheck.

.

Honest admiration is a great motivator for most men. When a woman tells a man she thinks he's wonderful, that inspires him to achieve more. He see himself as capable of handling new responsibilities and perfecting skills far above those of his present level (p. 156). To a great extent, men owe gratitude to their wives for this kind of emotional support, for without it, their confidence - the major source of their success - erodes and eventually crumbles. As W.F Harley wrote, "He needs her to be proud of him."

photo: Pisa, Italy (1999)

Wife, beware of nagging - he'll just withdraw. Your husband don't really need you to remind him of his shortcomings and failures - the world is already doing that on him. So, don't nag - give him time to rest - men need time for their brain to rest. Instead, "give your husband acceptance - give him a reason to go out to the work place more than everyone else. Your word speaks life into your husbands." In comparison to the artic cold criticism, your words of admiration will be welcomed like a warm spring breeze.

.

"Throughout human history, our greatest leaders and thinkers have used the power of words to transform our emotions, to enlist us in their causes, and to shape the course of destiny. Words can not only create emotions, they create actions. And from our actions flow the results of our lives." - Tony Robbins

So, tell him today. Give honest praise and thanks for "trying to do the right thing". You need to admire him as much as he needs your praise. Teach yourself to speak words of praise. Learn how to tell your husband you admire him (honestly). Remember that a man really needs appreciation. He thrives on it. Martin Luther once said, "let the wife make the husband be glad to come home; let the husband make the wife be sad when he leave for work."

You have heard of the saying, "Behind every great man is a great woman." How about this? "Behind every man should be an admiring wife."

Her No 1 Need: Affection

From a woman's point of view, affection is the essential cement of her relationship with a man. Without it, a woman probably feels alienated from her mate. With it she becomes tightly bonded to him - Harley.

An encounter not too long ago: One evening, my wife and I were at the Bukit Timah Hawker Centre. Together with my wife, I placed my order at a mixed-rice stall. Whilst I waited for my food, my wife went to another stall to order her food. When the proprietor noted that my wife was no longer with me, she asked, "where is your girlfriend?" I replied, "no lah, she is my wife - we are already married." The elderly woman responded, "then you must be newly married". When I asked what prompted her to make the guess, she said that she could see we were still very affectionate as a couple. In her view, couples are only affectionate to each other during courtship or their honeymoon years. I smiled, taking what she said as a compliment, told her that we had in fact been married for > 15 years!

photo: Copenhagen, Denmark (2003)

To most woman, affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval, vitally important commodities in their eyes. The Asian or Chinese culture does not encourage one to show affection openly. But man need to understand how strongly women need these affirmations. In a marriage context, when a husband shows his wife affection, he sends the following messages to her:

• I'll take care of you and protect you. You are important to me, and I don't want anything to happen to you.
• I'm concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you.
• I think you've done a good job, and I'm so proud of you.

According to Harley, almost all men need some instruction in how to become more affectionate (p. 35). He suggested some practical ways for husband to display affections:

1. Women usually express a need for physical closeness, such as hugging, hand holding, and sitting close together. Holding hands is a time-honored and effective sign of affection. Because kissing is very important to most women, kiss her before you leave for work. When you arrive home from work, give her a hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Hug and kiss her every night before you both go to sleep.

2. So are token gifts and cards that express your emotional attachment and commitment. For example, a simple greeting card or a note expressing love and care can simply but effectively communicate the same emotions. Don't forget the all time favorite - surprise her with a bouquet of flowers.

3. An invitation to dinner also signals affection. Women love to have their husbands take them out to dinner, and usually a wife regards any effort her husband makes to join her in shopping for food and clothes as a sign of affection.

4. Walks after dinner, back rubs, phone calls, and conversation with thoughtful and loving expressions....

There are thousand of ways to say I love you. You are special to me, and I want to show you how much I love you and care for you.

photo: Dove Dale @ Peak District, England (1998)

Of course, the love language is not be the same for every women. Two suggestions: First, continue to study your spouse, just as you did during courtship. Back then, you cared enough to pay attention - to figure out what really make her feel loved and important. Second, the best person to instruct you would your spouse - ask her to help you learn to express affection in ways she will appreciate.

Learn and develop the habits of affection! Remember that caring love are motivated, not necessarily by your own need, but by your desire to meet your spouse's need.

source: W.H. Harley - His Needs, Her Needs

Marriage Breakthrough Weekend

Mergers - What Can Go Wrong and How to Prevent It is the title of a book I have been reading in preparation for an executive course on Mergers and Acquisitions that I will be conducting for a major property company this month. Although the book's focus is on corporate mergers, we could so easily substitute the word "merger" for "marriage" - what can go wrong and how to prevent it. Afterall, marriage can be viewed as a merger between two individuals, and although I don't have the statistics off hand, we hear that many marriages do end up in separation and divorce.

My wife and I recently joined another 65 couples for a Marriage Breakthrough Weekend in Malaysia. Conducted by our church, it was held in Johor Bahru at the Pulai Springs resort (photo below).

Over three days, we attended several sessions on "Recognizing 'Cobwebs' in Your Marriages"; "Knowing HIS Needs and HER Needs"; "Establishing Spiritual Anchors in Your Marital Relationship"; and "Practical Tips for Harmony in the Home". Besides the seminars and group discussions, we had ample time for quality conversations with our spouse. A romantic candle-light dinner was also included in the programme. One aspect that my wife and I found very refreshing and inspiring was the seminar sessions were conducted by couples, who shared openly and humbly the husband's as well as the wife's perspectives.

In one of the sessions, "romantic" love was distinguished from "caring" love. In particular, husbands and wives were encouraged to become aware of each other's needs and learn to meet them. Willard F.. Harley, author of the book His Needs Her Needs, wrote that marital conflict is created when couples fail to make each other happy. Couples are frustrated because their needs are not being met. He mentioned that ignorance contributes to this failure because men and women have great difficulty understanding and appreciating the value of each other's needs. Men tend to try to meet needs that they would value and women do the same.

The problem is that the needs of men and women are often very different and we waste effort trying to meet the wrong needs (p. 11). The man's five most basic needs in marriage tend to be: (1) sexual fulfilment, (2) recreational companionship, (3) an attractive spouse, (4) domestic support, and (5) admiration. On the other hand, the woman's five most basic needs in marriage tend to be: (1) affection, (2), conversation, (3) honesty and openess, (4) financial support, and (5) family commitment.

So, whilst a man can have the best intentions to meet his wife's needs, but if he thinks her needs are similar to his own, he will fail miserably. When they assume men appreciate the same gestures of kindness they like, women, too, fail (p. 13). The book's thesis is that by learning to understand your spouse as a totally different person than you, you can begin to become an expert in meeting all that person's emotional needs, if you would like to.

Marriage is a very special relationship. May is a special month for us as we were engaged (1991), solemnized and married (1992) in the month of May. So, for this month, I will ponder and share in this blog what I have learnt at the marriage breakthrough weekend as well as what I read from W.H. Harley's book. Our Senior Pastor, in his opening address, encouraged every couple to do:

(1) take stock, (2) take charge, and (3) take care of your marriage relationship.

Note: Focusing on the economics, the source of value creation in a merger (as well as in a marriage) is synergy. However, in a Christian marriage the synergy is not only between two individuals, but also between God and the couple. Thus, my wife and I view our marriage not as a contract, but as a covenant committment. Thus, the retreat was named Marriage Breakthrough rather than Marriage Enrichment. We first commit ourselves to God and then to each other, for we love because He first loved us.

source: W.H Harley (1994) His Needs, Her Needs.