The Ugly Fight

"We seem to have our biggest argument in public... Many couples find themselves bickering on a regular basis over just about anything - no issue is too small, or too big, to spar over." - Les Parrott III & Leslie Parrot

photo: Bath, England (1997)

Misunderstanding is a natural part of marriage. No matter how deeply a man and a woman love each other, they will eventually have conflict. It is simply unrealistic to expect that both people will always want the same thing at the same time. Conflict in marriage is inevitable. In fact, the absence of fight does not augur well for most marriages. Unresolved, unhandled conflict & supression of anger, act as a cancer that erodes the passion, intimacy, and commitment of marriage.

Many couples however don't know how to handle conflict. Parrott & Parrott state that for couples who know how to work it out, conflict can actually lead to a depeening sense of intimacy - the trick is knowing how to argue. Being in love, is in fact, a very poor indicator of which couples will stay married. Far more important to the survival of marriage, research shows, is how well couples handle disagreements.

photo: State College, US (2008)

What couples fight about: So what are the torny issues that cause couples to battle each other? Money? Sex? in-laws? Not always. It generally takes very little for the fur to fly in most marriages. It's the minor, almost embarrassing problems that tear at the fabric of marriage. Couples simply bickered about things that didn't really matter.

Beware of four disastorous ways of interacting that will sabotage your attempts to resolve conflict constructively: (1) criticism, (2) contempt, (3) defensiveness, and (4) stonewalling.

(1) Criticism: there may not seem to be much difference between complaining and criticizing, but there is. Criticism involves attacking someone's personality rather than his behavior. As a general rule, criticism entails blaming, making a personal attack or an accusation, while a complaint is a negative comment about something you wish were otherwise. Complaints usually begin with the word I, and criticisms with the word you.

(2) Contempt: will poison a relationship. What separates contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Contempt is aimed at the heart of a person and ends up destabilizing the relationship and causing pain. Some of the most common expressions of contempts are name-calling, hostile humor, and mockery.

(3) Defensiveness: If you are being bombarded by insults, the natural inclination is to defend yourself: "It's not my fault." Defensiveness tend to escalate a conflict rather than resolve it.

(4) Stonewalling: Often the husband may eventually stopped responding, even defensively, to her accusations. She would scream, "you never say anything... you just sit there. It's like talking to a brick wall." He usually didn't react at all - on some occasions, he might shrug his shoulders, as if to say, "I can't get anywhere with you, so why try?"

Most stonewallers are men. Feeling overwhelmed by emotions, they start withdrawing by presenting a "stone wall" response. They try to keep their faces immobile, avoid eye contact, hold their necks rigid, and avoid nodding their heads or making the small sounds that would indicate they are listening. Stonewallers often claim they not are trying to make things worse, but they do not seem to realize that stonewalling itself is a very powerful act - it conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness.

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In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-27).

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source: Dr Les Parrott III and Dr Leslie Parrot, "Do You Know How to Fight A Good Fight?", from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.