Marriage Breakthrough Weekend

Mergers - What Can Go Wrong and How to Prevent It is the title of a book I have been reading in preparation for an executive course on Mergers and Acquisitions that I will be conducting for a major property company this month. Although the book's focus is on corporate mergers, we could so easily substitute the word "merger" for "marriage" - what can go wrong and how to prevent it. Afterall, marriage can be viewed as a merger between two individuals, and although I don't have the statistics off hand, we hear that many marriages do end up in separation and divorce.

My wife and I recently joined another 65 couples for a Marriage Breakthrough Weekend in Malaysia. Conducted by our church, it was held in Johor Bahru at the Pulai Springs resort (photo below).

Over three days, we attended several sessions on "Recognizing 'Cobwebs' in Your Marriages"; "Knowing HIS Needs and HER Needs"; "Establishing Spiritual Anchors in Your Marital Relationship"; and "Practical Tips for Harmony in the Home". Besides the seminars and group discussions, we had ample time for quality conversations with our spouse. A romantic candle-light dinner was also included in the programme. One aspect that my wife and I found very refreshing and inspiring was the seminar sessions were conducted by couples, who shared openly and humbly the husband's as well as the wife's perspectives.

In one of the sessions, "romantic" love was distinguished from "caring" love. In particular, husbands and wives were encouraged to become aware of each other's needs and learn to meet them. Willard F.. Harley, author of the book His Needs Her Needs, wrote that marital conflict is created when couples fail to make each other happy. Couples are frustrated because their needs are not being met. He mentioned that ignorance contributes to this failure because men and women have great difficulty understanding and appreciating the value of each other's needs. Men tend to try to meet needs that they would value and women do the same.

The problem is that the needs of men and women are often very different and we waste effort trying to meet the wrong needs (p. 11). The man's five most basic needs in marriage tend to be: (1) sexual fulfilment, (2) recreational companionship, (3) an attractive spouse, (4) domestic support, and (5) admiration. On the other hand, the woman's five most basic needs in marriage tend to be: (1) affection, (2), conversation, (3) honesty and openess, (4) financial support, and (5) family commitment.

So, whilst a man can have the best intentions to meet his wife's needs, but if he thinks her needs are similar to his own, he will fail miserably. When they assume men appreciate the same gestures of kindness they like, women, too, fail (p. 13). The book's thesis is that by learning to understand your spouse as a totally different person than you, you can begin to become an expert in meeting all that person's emotional needs, if you would like to.

Marriage is a very special relationship. May is a special month for us as we were engaged (1991), solemnized and married (1992) in the month of May. So, for this month, I will ponder and share in this blog what I have learnt at the marriage breakthrough weekend as well as what I read from W.H. Harley's book. Our Senior Pastor, in his opening address, encouraged every couple to do:

(1) take stock, (2) take charge, and (3) take care of your marriage relationship.

Note: Focusing on the economics, the source of value creation in a merger (as well as in a marriage) is synergy. However, in a Christian marriage the synergy is not only between two individuals, but also between God and the couple. Thus, my wife and I view our marriage not as a contract, but as a covenant committment. Thus, the retreat was named Marriage Breakthrough rather than Marriage Enrichment. We first commit ourselves to God and then to each other, for we love because He first loved us.

source: W.H Harley (1994) His Needs, Her Needs.