The Good Fight

We need to cultivate politeness in our marriage:

"One of the sad facts of close relationship is that we treat the ones we love worse than we treat just about anyone else. We are more likely to hurl insults at our marriage partner than any other person in our lives. We are even more polite to acquitances than we are to our mates."

- Parrott & Parrott

.photos: Whistler, Canada (2006)

One of the major tasks of marriage is learning what can and should be changed (habits of nagging, for eg.) and what should be overlooked. We know how easy it is to criticize one's mate. Successful couples resolve conflict without leaving scars, because they learned to fight a good fight by sticking closely to the following rules.

1) Don't run from strife: Repressed irritations have a high rate of resurrection. Happy couples may disagree vehemently, but they don't shut their partners out. When one spouse brings up an issue, the other listens attentively. From time to time, the listener will paraphrase what the other says to make sure the message is understood.

2) Choose your battle carefully: Love may be blind, but for many partners marriage is a magnifying glass. Some couples can't seem to find a relaxed, reasonably efficient way of figuring out how to settle differences as small as which movie to see or whose friends to visit.

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We ourselves have done our fair share of yupping about minor infractions, but we've also learned not to sweat the small stuff. This simple advice can keep you from ruining a Friday evening or even an entire vacation. So before you gripe about the way your partner made the bed or cleared the table, ask yourself if it's worth it.

3) Define the issue clearly: When you feel the tension rising, ask each other to define clearly what the fight is about until bother of you understand the issue. Marital battle become habitual if the source of conflict is not identified, but once couples define the issue, they can be more up front about what is really bugging them. And once the conflict is clearly defined, it often takes care of itself. Address the question, "what are we really quarelling about?" and "what is the real source of our disagreement?"

4) State your feelings directly: One party may be more expressive than the other. In other words, one person may articulate his or her feelings more quickly and more intensely than the other. And this imbalance can cause problems time and again because what is important to one person may not be very important at all. A simple technique to express your feelings is to use the following rating of the intensity of your feelings:

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1. I'm not enthuasiatic, but it's no big deal to me.

2. I don't see it the way, but I may be wrong.

3. I don't agree, but I can live with it.

4. I don't agree, but I'll let you have your way.

5. I don't agree and cannot remain silent on this.

6. I do not approve, and I need more time.

7. I strongly disapprove and cannot go along with it.

8. I will be seriously upset I can't predict my reaction.

9. No possible way! If you do, I quit!

10.Over my dead body!

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Anytime a heated exchange occurs, a couple can take simply pull this list out and rank the depth of their disagreement ("This is a three for me." "It's a five for me"). By rating their conflict, they can play a level field when one person is more expressive than the other.

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5) Give up Put-Downs: Unhappy couples turn every spat into a slippery slope of one unkind word that leads to another. Put-downs are especially lethal when they attack an Achilles' heel. Two universal examples are sexual performance and parents. It is tricky enough, in life's mellowest moments, to discuss sexual dissatisfaction with a mate; but to use it in an argument is a rotten idea. And even though we are allowed to criticize our own parents, it's dirty pool for a spouse to be doing it.

6) End the Fight: Refocus the exchange when it gets off course. Stick close to the issues. Calm down ("Let's take a break. We're both too upset to discuss this reasonably right now). It is not how you get into arguments, but how you exit them.

Remember the song, "sorry seems to be the hardest word to say"? At the recent marriage breakthrough weekend, the pastor reminded us that in an argument, both parties are usually at fault, although the apportionment of fault may not be 50-50. Regardless of who is more at fault, the husband should exercise leadership by taking the first step to end the fight by saying to his wife,

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"I was wrong (not I am sorry) ... Will you forgive me?"

source: Dr Les Parrott II & Dr Leslie Parrott "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" in Do You Know How to Fight a Good Fight?