Her No 1 Need: Affection

From a woman's point of view, affection is the essential cement of her relationship with a man. Without it, a woman probably feels alienated from her mate. With it she becomes tightly bonded to him - Harley.

An encounter not too long ago: One evening, my wife and I were at the Bukit Timah Hawker Centre. Together with my wife, I placed my order at a mixed-rice stall. Whilst I waited for my food, my wife went to another stall to order her food. When the proprietor noted that my wife was no longer with me, she asked, "where is your girlfriend?" I replied, "no lah, she is my wife - we are already married." The elderly woman responded, "then you must be newly married". When I asked what prompted her to make the guess, she said that she could see we were still very affectionate as a couple. In her view, couples are only affectionate to each other during courtship or their honeymoon years. I smiled, taking what she said as a compliment, told her that we had in fact been married for > 15 years!

photo: Copenhagen, Denmark (2003)

To most woman, affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval, vitally important commodities in their eyes. The Asian or Chinese culture does not encourage one to show affection openly. But man need to understand how strongly women need these affirmations. In a marriage context, when a husband shows his wife affection, he sends the following messages to her:

• I'll take care of you and protect you. You are important to me, and I don't want anything to happen to you.
• I'm concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you.
• I think you've done a good job, and I'm so proud of you.

According to Harley, almost all men need some instruction in how to become more affectionate (p. 35). He suggested some practical ways for husband to display affections:

1. Women usually express a need for physical closeness, such as hugging, hand holding, and sitting close together. Holding hands is a time-honored and effective sign of affection. Because kissing is very important to most women, kiss her before you leave for work. When you arrive home from work, give her a hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Hug and kiss her every night before you both go to sleep.

2. So are token gifts and cards that express your emotional attachment and commitment. For example, a simple greeting card or a note expressing love and care can simply but effectively communicate the same emotions. Don't forget the all time favorite - surprise her with a bouquet of flowers.

3. An invitation to dinner also signals affection. Women love to have their husbands take them out to dinner, and usually a wife regards any effort her husband makes to join her in shopping for food and clothes as a sign of affection.

4. Walks after dinner, back rubs, phone calls, and conversation with thoughtful and loving expressions....

There are thousand of ways to say I love you. You are special to me, and I want to show you how much I love you and care for you.

photo: Dove Dale @ Peak District, England (1998)

Of course, the love language is not be the same for every women. Two suggestions: First, continue to study your spouse, just as you did during courtship. Back then, you cared enough to pay attention - to figure out what really make her feel loved and important. Second, the best person to instruct you would your spouse - ask her to help you learn to express affection in ways she will appreciate.

Learn and develop the habits of affection! Remember that caring love are motivated, not necessarily by your own need, but by your desire to meet your spouse's need.

source: W.H. Harley - His Needs, Her Needs