In Touch with Reality

In his book Integrity, Henry Cloud tells of a story about a dog food company that hit hard times. Sales were bad, and not getting better. The CEO had begun the company and was very attached to its performance. When things were going the wrong way, he was not happy. Being the decisive type that he was, he decided to take action. So, he fired the outside advertising firm that did all of the national campaigns.

photo: Chesapeake Bay, 2007

The company geared up for the new branding push, new packaging, a new look, and even a new model on the bag. Certainly great things were in store. But, when the numbers came in, they were about the same. The CEO was more angry. Another inept advertising firm had failed him. What to do? Get rid of them and find me a good one this time! He ordered his team. “No more losers. We are spending too much in advertising to let this happen again!”

They moved quickly, hired the best, and launched with great expectations. Certainly, this one would do the tricks. New displays in retail space, samples left in pet stores and on doorsteps, treats were given out at parks where people walk their dogs. No stone was left unturned in the dog world. They were going to know about this food. No dog left behind.

Then, the first quarter returns came in with the new thrust. No gains. Sales were the same. The CEO made another move, this time more drastic. He fired his marketing department and replaced them with the best and the brightest. Now finally, all the incompetence was eliminated. No more losers inside or outside the company.

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A new start. The new team put together the new plan and executed it viciously. When the numbers came in, no one was happy. There were basically the same as they had been for the previous few years. No gains. The CEO called a meeting. He wanted to know who was responsible for this. Someone was not doing his job, he said, and he wanted to know who. Find him and get me someone who can make this work was his message.

Right in the middle of the meeting as he was breaking down delivery schedules in supply chains, space allocation in stores, demographics, and pricing of the advertising focus and other execution issues, a young somewhat quiet, non-assuming little manager raised his hand, “Sir, may I say something?” he said. “Yes, Jones. What is it?” the CEO inquired, a little thrown off by the interruption.

“Sir… the dog don’t like it.”

Jones said. The room was quiet for what seemed like a long time as the CEO just looked at Jones. (pages 99-100). For some reason, the CEO could not see that it was not the marketing. It was the dog food (p. 108).

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What is the moral of this story?

(1) Marketing is important - If you are in the dog food business, you are not going to make money with the best dog food in the world if no one knows about it, as our CEO above reasoned. You have to have some way of marketing it and telling the world how to find it. Chances are that if you have no marketing ability, then by the time word of mouth got around the country, your capital costs would overtake the timeline and you would be out of business. You are better off if a lot of people know quickly in order to get the critical mass, or “tipping point.” So, if your marketing is poor, then you have to see that reality so you can fire the marketing person and get the job done.

(2) But, what if the reality is that your marketing is the best in the world, but your dog food is horrible? - Better marketing only gets you more disappointed dogs and actually puts you further behind than if you sold less, because your brand is getting trashed. They have tried you and moved on. The substance, not the packaging, is ultimately most critical.

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In sum, it is much better to know that your food tastes bad to Fido and fix that before you get it out to the world. Then, you are standing in and on reality, which is the only place that good things happen (p. 105-6).

People of Grace

"People of grace leave others better off than how they found them, even when they were getting nothing in return"

- Henry Cloud (p. 84).

photo: SDE, NUS

In his book Integrity, Henry Cloud shared that we can divided character’s ability to trust & be trustworthy into 3 categories:

1. Paranoid – this kind of person just doesn’t see trust as an option and can do OK, as long as things are going well. But, these people typically do not extend themselves to others in the kinds of giving and vulnerability because they feel as if everyone will come back to get them. Somehow they will “get screwed in the end,” they feel. “No good turn goes unpunished” could be their motto, and when something goes wrong, they instantly get into retaliatory more (p. 81).

2. Fair - These types desire trust and good relationships and treat people well, as long as they are being treated well. And they do not turn mole hills into mountain or read paranoid meanings into innocent mistakes. They are pretty forgiving and can solve problem. They will do wonderful things as well and can be quite giving to people who are doing well to them. They give as long as they are receiving, and things are mutual. They truly are “for” the ones who are “for” them. In the sense, they are people who “play fair” – “you treat me well, and I will treat you well” seems to be the rule that they live by. But if something truly does go wrong, or even less than going wrong, is not equal or mutual in some way, then they cry foul, and their good treatment of others stops. They are not being stroked, so they are not going to stroke.

3. Grace - True trust comes when we realize that another’s goodness, and being for my best interest, is not dependent on anything. It is just a part of that person’s integrity. It is who that person is, the kind of person who wants the best for others and will do whatever he or she can bring that about. Then, there is nothing to fear. If I mess up, you will be there for me. That doesn’t mean that you are going to ignore my failures, by any measure. You may even do an intervention, or something strong to get me to face my lack of performance. But, you will still have my best interests in mind, and that will be your motivation. As a result, I can trust your intervention and be helped.

In leadership, this means that you are for your people to do well, and to become all that they can be. It also means that you do things “for” them that are “unmerited” and help them get there. And the truth is that this kind of person never really initiates being “against” anyone, unless that person is doing something to harm him or others. At that point, the person will take a stand to end the destruction, but even that kind of stand is against the destructiveness.

Source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Invalidation

For the most part, life involves people. That is obvious in the sphere of relationships, such as friendship, family, marriage, and community. But, we are often unaware of how big the people part is in getting work done well. It is just as vital. So, if your character is going to meet the demands of reality, it is going to have to be able to negotiate the world of people. And that can only be done successfully through connectedness. Connecting with others in a way that makes them feel understood and valued is the key to life and the basis of building trust and loyalty. From that base, everything else works. To do that requires the kind of character that is oriented toward others and makes proactive connections with them in a way that builds bonds (p. 73).

"The human heart will seek to be known, understood and connected with above all else. If you do not connect, the ones you care about will find someone who will." - Henry Cloud

In his book Integrity, Henry Cloud asked "If entering into another person’s reality, validating it, and treating it with respect builds connection, what destroys it? The exact opposite: Invalidation. When your experience is all that exists to you, invalidation occurs when you negate the other person’s experience, treating it as somehow not real or non-existent. (p. 63).

Some leaders are afraid to validate if they disagree, because they fear it sounds as if they are giving credibility to something they know is not right. But that is not the issue. Of course, communication is often about persuasion and bringing one person around to another different perspective. To empathize and validate what someone is experiencing does not mean that you always agree or even think that the other person is right. It just means that you see it as valid in that it is really their experience, and true for that person, and you show them that you understand what they are thinking and feeling. And that comes from seeing and caring about another person’s heart, and communicating that, whether or not you agree. You must connect first.... But other times it means that if you did connect with it, you would learn from the other person as well and may even change what you feel about it. That is how communicating helps us to know the other person and thereby enlarge our understanding about reality. (p. 64).

The sad thing is that most times the people who invalidate other people’s experience are not aware that they are doing something destructive. In fact, they often think they are helping… we have all seen those instances where someone has say something negative like “I’m such a loser,” and someone immediately comes back with “Don’t say that! You don’t really feel that way!” or some other attempt to help that only drives the person further into hopelessness. The reason is that he now has two problems instead of one. He has the initial problem that he felt so negative about, and then he feels that he is all alone and has no one who really understands. That is why people who try to help others by talking them out what they fell are usually no help at all. It is also the reason why research has for decades proven that you can help desperate people immensely by giving them no answers at all, and only giving them empathy (p. 66).

In summary, connection and trust happen when one heart meets another. Invalidation, on the other hand, wipes out the other heart and closes it off…

source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Careless Trust

In his book, Integrity, Henry Cloud shared that one of the Hebrew words that means ‘trust’ has the association he liked most when thinking of what ‘trust’ actually means.

To trust means to be careless. It means that you do not have to worry about how to “take care” of yourself with that person, because he is going to be worried about that too. It means that you do not have to “guard” yourself with her, because she is going to be concerned with what is good for you and what is not good for you. You do not have to “watch your back” with him, because he is going to be watching it for you (p. 77).

photo: Frankfurt (Jun 09)

In other words, the supreme essence of trust is not being “guarded”. This type of trust can only be developed over time as the other party recognizes that their interests were being lookedout for even when they are not looking.

According to Henry, incredible things happen when two parties “let down their guard” with each other. They get open, creative, take risks, learn from each other, and deliver fruit in whatever their endeavor to a much more leveraged degree that if they were in the protected mode. This happens in personal relationships, such as marriage, friendship, or parenting, and in business as well. To get to everything that can come from two people’s hearts, minds, and souls, you have to get to openness and vulnerability. You have to have access. And access is only given as trust increases (p. 79-80).

When access builds, more is given. But, once you know the person, trust goes to a whole different level when you both figure out that the other is “for” you and not “against” you or even indifferent even when you are not watching (p. 80).

source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Connection

"In work, in marriage, in parenting, in friendship, in business, connection happens when one person has a true emotional investment in the other, and the other person experiences that and it is returned. To do that requires the character that gets out of oneself long enough to know, experience, and value the “other”… It has to be done in a way that the “other” can experience it. - Henry Cloud (p. 57).

photo: Munich (Jun 09)

People feel cared about, and trust is built, when they know that we have a genuine interest in knowing about them.

Connection, fundamentally, is the experience by one person that another is invested in him or her. It begins in infancy, when a baby comes to life as its mother involves herself in its being and existence. What he or she feels and experience matters, and a bond is built. That continues throughout childhood, and kids who grow up with deep connection are the ones who grow up secure, and most able to deal with life. What we forget, though, is that connectedness is important not just for babies, but all the way through life (p. 57).

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Detachment is the opposite of connection. It is whereby a person is a kind of island unto him- or herself. Not to be confused with being introverted, detachment is about not crossing the space to actually enter into another person’s world through the curiosity and desire to know them, understand them, to be ‘with’ them, to be present with them, and ultimately to care for them. Sadly, a lot of loving & nice people are detached in this way, and their relationships suffer for it (p. 56).
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What Builds Connection?
Empathy - the ability to enter into another person’s experience and connect with it in such a way that you actually experience to some degree what the other person is experiencing. It is “as if” you are the other person, at least for a moment. Empathy comes from the Greek words meaning “in” and “feeling.” It is as if you are ‘in the feeling’ of the other (p. 58).

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Connecting with others in a way that makes them feel understood and valued is the key to life and the basis of building trust and loyalty. From that base, everything else works. To do that requires the kind of character that is oriented toward others and makes proactive connections with them in a way that builds bonds (p. 73).

source: Henry Cloud, Integrity

Gaining Trust

What is so special about friendship? TRUST, according to Charles Kingsley and Ralph Waldo Emerson. "A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and loves us in spite of all our faults" - Charles Kingsley.

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it's the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friend." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

But how do you gain people’s trust? According to Henry Cloud, "if you are going to get them to come with you in your final decision, and trust you, you have to understand where they are and join them in that place first…. people are not going to get in the car with somebody they don’t trust or don’t fell understand them. We trust people who we think hear us, understand us, and are able to empathize with our realities as well as their own. That is why the abilities to connect and trust are so intertwined." - H. Cloud (pp. 52-53).

photo: stokholm, sweden (june 09)

Trust, in the end, is about the heart, and someone making an investment in you from his or her heart. And if you gain people’s trust, their heart, then you also have their desire and passion. Heart, desire and passion all go together. Without one, you don’t have the other. That is why some leaders only get compliance, but can’t capture their people’s best efforts… But the good ones capture the other people’s will, their true desire, through connecting with them first (p. 53).

photo: stockholm, sweden (jun 09)

Application: In marriage, how far will a spouse go for someone who makes no attempt to understand and connect with where he or she is and what he or she is experiencing in the relationship? As time goes by, less and less. The love begins to wane, and the passion fails to fuel the commitment as it once did. That is when they get into danger if they do not have a deeper desire to live out their values and commitments over and above how they feel… BUT,

if some feels understood, and connect with, it is a whole different story. (p. 54)

Source: Henry Cloud, Integrity - the courage to meet demands of reality

Integrity

"It's not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that make us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity." - Francis Bacon, Sr

(English lawyer and philosopher, 1561-1626)

photo: Nuremberg, Germany (Jun 09)

On my recent travel, I read a book "Integrity" on ethical issues in business. It was refreshing and I highly recommend it. I wanted to write share some thoughts from the book but when I googled to research the author's background etc., I came across an excellent review on the book by Alan L. Chase on the Amazon website.

Dr Henry Cloud, who is a clinical psychologist, anchors his thoughts in the real world of clients he has consulted with in helping them to address very real and concrete business issues that have deep roots in issues of ethics and integrity. Dr. Cloud makes it clear that "integrity," as he uses the term, is much more than mere "honesty." Throughout the book he parses and elucidates six essential qualities and character traits that lead to success in the business world. He describes the kind of character that . . .

1) Creates and maintains trust

2) Is able to see and face reality

3) Works in a way that brings results

4) Embraces negative realities and solves them

5) Causes growth and increase

6) Achieves transcendence and meaning in life

"You will see how these character traits supercede gifts, talents and ability, and how the ones who have them succeed and the ones who don't, ultimately fail." (Page xii)

In talking with a wealthy businessman who is a personal friend, Dr. Cloud heard his friend comment on how he chooses to invest his money in businesses. "I did not invest in those businesses. I invested in the people. I never invest in businesses I don't know anything about, but I will invest in a person. If I know their character, their history, how they operate, what kind of judgment they have, what kinds of risks are acceptable to them, how they execute, and things like that, and I know them well, I will invest. But I don't buy businesses I don't know anything about." (Pages 29-30)

Early in this book, Dr. Cloud gives us his expanded definition of integrity as it applies to the business world:

"And, the origins of the word we can see in the French and Latin meanings of intact, integrate, integral and entirety. The concept means that the `whole thing is working well, undivided, integrated, intact and uncorrupted.' When we are talking about integrity, we are talking about being a whole person, an integrated person, with all of our different parts working well and delivering the functions that they were designed to deliver. It is about wholeness and effectiveness as people. It truly is `running on all cylinders.'" (Page 31)

The author offers a very clear and helpful metaphor for the type of impact that this kind of person of integrity has on the lives of those with whom she or he interacts. Dr. Cloud posits that each of us, as we move through the waters of life, leave behind a wake, like that left by ships as they pass through the ocean. There are two aspects to the "wake" that we leave behind - the tasks we have performed and the relationships we have built.

source: internet photo

"We leave a wake of people behind us as we move though their lives and their organizations. . . So, we must ask ourselves, `What does that wake look like?' Are a lot of people out there water-skiing on the wake, smiling, having a great time for our having `moved through their lives'? Or are they are there bobbing for air, bleeding, and left wounded as shark bait?" (Page 18)

What Kind of Force?
One of the words that is close to character or integrity in meaning is the Hebrew word that is translated “virtue”. If you trace its origins and meanings, one of the meanings is a “force”. Someone of virtue is a force, and a force always leaves a result. When a hurricane comes through a town, you can see the results of its force. When the wind moves across the water, or through the trees, you can see the results of its force.

Likewise, when you move through life, through your company or organization, through your career, and through your relationships, your character is going to be a “force.” The question is “What kind of force is it going to be?” Will it be one of virtue, where you deliver the goods? When you bring energy and force of character to a goal or project, will the force bring about the fruit? When you bring energy and force to a relationship, will there be a good result? So, the goal here is to develop these aspects of character that have such promise that a smart investor would write checks for millions to someone who possesses them, not even knowing a lot about the nature of the business itself. That can be you and your team (Page 41).

reflection: If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters. ~Alan Simpson

Source: Dr Henry Cloud (2006), integrity – the courage to meet the demands of reality.