Emotional Bank Account

"there can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity."

- Samuel Johnson

We all know what a financial bank account is. We make deposits into it and build up a reserve from which we can make withdrawals when we need to. An Emotional Bank Account, according to Stephen Covey, is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that's been built up in a relationship. It's the feeling of safeness you have with another human being. To me, it is another word for "building goodwill" - not only in business relations but also with your friends and particularly, your spouse.
......................................................photo: Melbourne, Australia (2005)

The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are. If our words and our actions come from superficial human relations techniques rather than our own inner core, others will sense the duplicity. In his best selling book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", Stephen Covey elaborate, "If I make deposits... with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust towards me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust... if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it... when the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective."
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"However, if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, become arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, ..., eventually, my emotional bank account is overdrawn. The trust level gets very low. Then, I am walking on mine fields. I have to be very careful of everything I say. I measure every word. It's tension city, memo haven. It's protecting my backside, politiking. And many organizations are filled with it. Many families are filled with it. Many marriages are filled with it."

If a large reserve of trust is not sustained by continued deposits, a marriage will deteriorate. Instead of rich, spontaneous understanding and communication, the situation becomes one of accommodation, where two people simple attempt to live independent life-styles in a fairly respectful and tolerant way. The relationship may further deteriorate to one of hostility and defensiveness, which creates verbal battles, slammed doors, refusal to talk, emotional withdrawal and self-pity. It may end up in cold war at home, sustained only by children, sex, social pressure, or image protection. .

reflection: check your emotional bank account?

Make sure it is not overdrawn!

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Source: Stephen R. Covey (1989) "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People"